On the 7th Day of Christmas, Burnpoetry Gave to You: The Governator Lying Through His Austrian Teeth

Posted: December 20, 2011 in Pop Culture
Tags: , , , , , , ,

Arnold Schwarzenegger has made many questionable movies in his time.  He’s starred in this:

And this abomination:

 

And while I was looking for good images to use on Google I came across what I feel certain is the actual Axis of Evil:

(*Author’s note: A quick visual breakdown — don’t you love the way the font on the top of the DVD case just screams comedy goldmine.  The font can only be described as “DC Comics, Circa 1954” and at the bottom it boldly proclaims “The Franchise Collection.”  What franchise?  If this was a franchise it would be in last place in every major sporting division.  This would be the Toroto Raptors of DVD Franchises.  One other thing of note on the cover of this tri-DVD: check out Arnie’s shirt underneath his suitcoat, straight out of the Nelson Mandela collection and/or was taken from Damon Wayans’ dressing room on the set of In Living Color.)

At any rate, now that our collage of Schwarzenegger’s failures is coming together; a true mosaic of doo-doo, to be sure, I’ll get on with the breakdown.  The crowning achievement in the Governator’s mammoth, steroid-growth-sized crown would have to be. . .I repeat have to be. . .Jingle All the Way.

An insane romp through the Christmas season as we follow Arnie’s character, a never-explained-too-ripped-for-suburbia Dad who is trying to get his kid the Christmas present of his dreams.  A Turboman doll.  Along the way Arnold meets Sinbad.  (*Author’s note: no, that’s not a typo.  This movie actually has Sinbad and Schwarzenegger together onscreen for a few precious moments.  In the pantheon of loveable, losers with hearts of gold, who run around getting into all sorts of hilarious! hi-jinx for just the right reasons and never actually hurt anyone but their own goofy dignity, Schwarzenegger and Sinbad would definitely be at the top of the list.  Power couple name?  Tentatively titled: Schwarzenbagger.)  Sinbad is a mailman who also sucks at fatherhood but realizes that, in order to make your kid love you, you must heap upon them material things.

High hilarity ensues.  And I do mean high.  You would have to be receiving an IV drip of THC to truly enjoy this movie.  However, if you’re an asshole like me?  You enjoy watching this flick for the unintended comedy of watching Arnold sprint around town fighting Sinbad and elderly-ass women to the death for a toy.  And, in a sidenote, watching Tom Arnold try to pimp the Governator’s wife.

Here’s the clip that sums up the entire movie experience:

This is the precise interaction that I imagine occurred after Arnie was hauling ass out of his mansion with Maria Shriver and a pack of her outraged homegirls bearing down on him after the world found out about the love child he had with his in-home maid.

And, yes, Arnold.  You are a pervert.

FIN

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