On the 6th Day of Christmas, Burnpoetry Gave to You: Santa’s Slay

Posted: December 19, 2011 in Pop Culture
Tags: , , , , , ,

I consider myself a connoisseur of bad movies.  A purveyor of useless, inane stories for those who will let me regail them with my horror stories on, well, horror stories.  I’ve seen movies titled Mansquito, Dino-Croc, and some movie about velociraptors attacking people in a nuclear power plant that was starring Hyde from That 70’s Show.  And those were some of the highlights.

Raised in a family of Cinephiles, who like Chinatown, Citizen Kane, and whichever movie is more abstract or has more subtitles, I have gravitated towards the opposite.  I prefer white, pudgy dudes who are somehow supposed to be Native American karate master (*Author’s note: here’s looking at you, Steven Segal) and plotlines that aren’t really in a line at all, but look more like they were the end result of a computer that was accidentally left open during a group therapy session at the Celebrity Rehab house and each person took a turn typing on it.

Maybe it’s the former runner in me, that enjoys pain so much, but I have often relished the chance to watch a crappy movie and record the experience.  I’ve documented the documentary about Michael Jackson’s chimpanzee, Bubbles, and broken down a movie starring Ice-T about giant, mutant rats terrorizing the hood.

The latest of such ventures was focused on bringing to light a legendary production.  It stars Bill Goldberg, of fake wrestling fame, and features him going on a sadistic rampage as none other than Santa Clause.  My friends and I have seen this movie on the rack at Blockbuster for years and have always joked about renting it but, ultimately, settled on something less blatantly shitty.

Not anymore.

What follows is a blow-by-blow account of a movie that blows, by all accounts.  Sit back, grab a candy cane, and try not to tie your holiday tie into a noose.  Here comes. . .Santa’s Slay.

(*Author’s note: the bold numbers represent the minutes and seconds into the movie we are.)

1:06 – Bam!  We get a staggeringly close, closeup of a woman’s ass.  It took longer than I thought for this to occur.

1:23 – Chris Kattan makes an appearance.  Emilioooo!  (*Author’s note: I know it wasn’t actually Kattan that shouts this, but I can’t help myself.)

2:45 – I realize the skeezy lady flirting with Kattan is actually Fran Drescher, from the cinematic powerhouse, The Beautician and the Beast.  I knew there was a reason her voice made me want to do a keg stand from a vat of Arsenic.

3:30-4:00 – Goldbergclause busts through the Chimney, punts a poodle into the blades of a fan, ninja kicks Kattan in the scrawny sternum and lights Fran Drescher’s hair on fire.  He kills everyone within 30 seconds, highlighted by drowning someone in eggnog.  Best.  Christmas.  Movie.  Ever.

6:25 – I find out the film’s produced by Brett Ratner.  What?!?!  After my mind explodes I continue watching.  (*Author’s note: no wonder he was picked to direct the academy awards.  This movie lends some serious pedigree to his resume)

8:00  – An elderly lady tells a deli clerk to go F— himself.  I instantly become aware that se’s about to die a horrible, brutal death.  I pause the TV and begin to question whether someone put any liquid LSD into my Diet Citrus Drop Xtreme pop.

9:00 – Goldbergclause shouts, “Move Bitch!” At the aforementioned old bag and rams his gigantic war-chariot version of Santa’s Sleigh into her bumper.  The car flies 40 feet into the air and explodes.

16:19 – A local thug who has hair like Justin Guarini tries to rob Goldbergclause at knife point.  He is killed immediately by getting a sharpened candy cane through the eye.

16:30 – The first full-on WCW Goldbergclause bodyslam!  Into a trash can, no less.  Hilarity ensues.

16:49 – A grandpa farts in his grandson’s face.  Hilarity does not ensue.

18:50 – “In the history of man there have been only two immaculate conceptions: the first being God and the Virgin Mary and the birth of their son, Jesus.  The second was Satan and the virgin Erica and their son, Santa.”

21:25 – “I’m as happy as a Make-A-Wish Kid.”  A line that could’ve only been developed after several hours spent huffing paint thinner from a Ziploc bag.

21:25.3 – I start wondering if I’m going to hell just for watching this movie.  Or if, maybe I’m already there and this is my punishment.  I keep watching.

23:35 – Goldbergclause strangles the bouncer to what appears to be a strip club by using a holiday wreath.  We’re 23 minutes in and Goldbergclause has iced 9 people.  An astounding clip of .39 people per minute.

26:35 – Goldbergclause kills every dude in the club, gratuitously hits on every woman in the club and then burns the place to the ground.

28:08 – The Dweeby hero inexplicably hates on his way-too-hot-to-actually-date-a-nerd-anywhere-but-in-a-movie-or-that-idiotic-show-BigBangTheory girlfriend and she storms out.

31:04 – Claymation alert!  Claymation Alert!

33:02 – Goldbergclause rides through a manger scene, chops the head off of Joseph and keeps on riding while Christmas music plays in the background.

33:28 – Two kids, cussing like sailors in line for colonoscopies open their presents and their heads are blown completely off.  Another old lady says the F-word.  A piece of me dies a brutal death.

35:18 – Goldbergclause breaks into a Jewish guys deli (*Author’s note: racism lives!) and stabs him in the throat with a Menorah.  Despite the fact that it’s now broad daylight, no one notices the murderous, anti-semitic Goldbergclause’s killing spree.

41:00 – The police discover that the killings in the town are happening in the shape of a Christmas tree, while pounding down doughnuts. (*Author’s note: it’s an interesting dichotomy in the film world, watching how badass and insanely awesome some movies portray being a cop to be and seeing the flipside which portrays cops to all be indefensibly moronic slobs.  Something tells me Santa’s Slay wasn’t really trying to make a statement, though.)

41:48 – My would-be intellectual breakdown of Police and their role in cinema is interrupted by Goldbergclause breaking into the police chiefs office and tazering him in the nuts.  Until he dies.  Strangely, I feel more comfortable with this than critical film study.  I’ve found my avenue.

43:18 – Goldbergclause, clearly on the Ben Johnson diet runs down a speeding truck within 6 steps.

50:17 – A high-speed sleigh/snow mobile chase ensues after Goldbergclause kills the heroes Grandpa.  The villain hurls present-grenades over the edge while shouting, “Ho, Ho, Ho!” In a voice that would give Vince McMahon goosebumps.

52:18 – Another man in a Santa suit pushes aside 2 women in a moment of pure mob panic and shouts, “Move you Skanks!”

52:19 – I update my bucket list. #27 now reads, “Meet and shake hand of scriptwriting genius that penned Santa’s Slay.

55:22 – It has instantaneously become night outside.

55:23 – Goldbergclause tosses aside his overcoat revealing massive, ripped biceps.  I say a silent prayer of thanks to the movie gods he isn’t wearing his usual wrestling speedo for the final showdown.

56:54 – Goldbergclause hacks what appears to be a fiery red loogey that explodes near the hero’s face.

59:42 – A quote from Goldbergclause, who at the time of this statement was attempting murder-by-Zamboni.  “I’m Santa, not F-ing Dracula!”  (*Author’s note: I know that if you read this, you’ll probably think that I was just playing a horror movie version of Mad-Libs but this is all true.  I swear.)

62:00 – An angel and Goldbergclause decide to play a sudden death version of curling to decide the fate of the human race.  Well, at least to decide the fate of Christmas.  Goldbergclause, predictably, cheats his ass off.

68:30 – A group of random drunk hunters, led by a chain-smoking Native American, are convinced by the hero to open fire at Santa’s Sleigh as he attempts a get away.

68:40 – The Hero’s girlfriend’s Dad arrives, has a bazooka and blasts the living hell out of Goldbergclause’s sleigh.

68:41 – My wife almost wakes up and, in a blind panic, I nearly switch to The History Channel.  Then I realize she’d be more worried if she saw that.  I keep watching.

72:24 – Goldbergclause is, unshockingly, still alive.  Dressed like a Hell’s Angel he boards a plane for the North Pole and Christmas music kicks up.

72:25Santa’s Slay ends.  I push the stop button with tremulous hands, unshed tears of beauty welling in my eyes.  I have just witnessed perfection.  A cinematic version of the Sistine Chapel, but with more swear words and more Christmas-themed murdering.  I anxiously await a sequel, as I await Bill Goldberg’s impending speech after winning the Golden Globe, the Academy Award and the Nickelodeon’s Teen Choice award for Best Actor.

(*Author’s note: the best plot twist in this mind-bending, visceral shock and awe campaign?  That anyone would be dumb enough to include their name in the credits.  You don’t see a lot of people stepping forward saying, “Oh yeah…that whole ‘oil spill in the gulf thing’, that was all me.”)

FIN

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Comments
  1. Sue Tolles says:

    I can’t believe you lasted past 2:45.

  2. d says:

    holy shit this incredible

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