Heisman Haterology: A Spiteful Review of the Heisman

Posted: December 12, 2011 in Sports
Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

The Heisman has been chosen.  After all the pomp, circumstance and circumstantial evidence presented by football programs with P.R. firms that spin stories like Spinderella did the ones and twos, a winner has been chosen.  And, for once, I agree with the choice.

As most of you know who have read my blog in the past, I’m kind of a hater.  In fact, I’ve often touted my ability to compete for “Hater of the Year” status.  So I was fully prepared to rip this year’s Heisman award to a shredded pile of confetti if I disagreed with the winner.  But I didn’t.  Which threw a wrench in my plans.

However, I don’t let a little thing like the proper selection of the Heisman ceremony stop me from getting a good hate on.  So, here’s my take on each of the candidates that were selected to the Heisman ceremony in New York City this past Saturday.  We’ll break down each candidate in reverse order of how the actual selection process took place.  All statistics are taken from Heismanpundit.com and my own breakdown will, in all truth, be broken down on about a 50-50 split between how much I like the players and/or think they’re cool and how well they play.  Sorry, it’s just the way a non-scientific, non-journalistic mofo like myself does things.

10th:  LaMichael James

James, a junior running back from Oregon was a Heisman finalist last year.  Truly, I think he deserved to be back there again this year.  The most electrifying runner in the nation, on the most fun team to watch, I think James was underrated based on the fact that his team scores more than an X-Box nerd playing his blind sister on easy mode.  When you routinely rip off insane runs at a tempo that would make distance runners work up a full lather, it starts to look a little mundane.  His stats are entirely absurd, especially when you consider that he missed 2 games in the middle of the season (*Author’s note: one of these games was a 45-2 win against the lowly Colorado Buffaloes in which it’s safe to estimate James’ yardage total at 2 trillion).  7.4 yards per carry, 1600 yards rushing and 17 touchdowns.  I guess there isn’t much hating to be done on LaMichael.  I’m just mainly a fan.

Here’s a quick look at his career numbers over 3 seasons at Oregon:

Rushing: 4,923 yards
Yards per F-ing Carry:  6.666 (*Author’s note: I left that extra six in there because the only way anyone, I repeat, anyone that can average something like that in a major division of college football must’ve sold their soul to the devil.)
Rushing TDs: 52

Those numbers speak for themselves, really.

9th:  Russell Wilson

I am personally glad that Wilson didn’t make the Heisman ceremony because every single highlight of him schooling people, owning suckers, and looking like he deserved to be named “Quarterback of the Millenium” — every “Signature Heisman Moment” that would leave Kirk Herbstreit slobbering like a heroin addict outside a poppy field would have been cut together from the Nebraska game.  We singlehandedly made Russell Wilson’s draft status erupt like his name was Mount Saint Heisman.  I was just thankful he didn’t make it because I have enough trouble not picturing him smoking us like a Philly Blunt, and the last thing Husker fans needed was reliving that traumatic, hopefully blocked out experience.

(*Author’s note:  when they show Wilson’s footage in their pre-draft breakdowns of him carving us up like he’s making a totem pole, I will be doing a lot of drinking.)

8th:  Kellen Moore

Kellen was supposed to be in New York for the Heisman ceremony for the second year in a row, but he was actually busy working on the film, War Horse.  As the Horse’s stunt double.


Can you tell which is which?  When Coaches tell Kellen that “the hay is already in the barn” he has been known to jump up and shout, “Hay?!?!?!?  Where?!?!?!”

(*Author’s note: one last Kellen Moore burn: when I went to Google images, one of the “most searched for” images was “Kellen Moore Shirtless.”  I immediately googled, “How to get amnesia.”)

7th:  Case Keenum

This 11th year senior led Houston to their best season ever.  He threw for 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 yards and about half that in touchdowns.  He exploded virtually every passing record known to man and looked, at times, like he was throwing against J.V. opponents.  Which, it turns out he was.  Which is why he finished 7th.  Thanks for that, Conference U.S.A.

6th:  Matt Barkley

Barkley should have been somewhere higher on this list, in my mind.  Did he have more talent than Andrew Luck?  Sure.  Will he make almost as good a QB in the NFL?  I honestly think so.  He’s thrown 39 TDs and 7 INTs against the same competition that Luck has thrown 35 TDs and 9 INTs.  He’s also outthrown Luck by nearly 400 yards.  Unfortunately Barkley’s insane season has slipped by the wayside due to the fact that Reggie Bush was dirtier than a mattress at a campground under a bridge.  Who would’ve thought, I’d be thinking a USC Trojan was underhyped?

5th:  Tyrann Mathieu

This defensive back/punt returner for the LSU Tigers was one of only 3 defenders since 1997 to get invited to the Heisman ceremony.  In 1997 Charles Woodson won the Heisman and two years ago Mark Ingram highjacked the award from the more-deserving Ndamukong Suh.  (*Author’s note: say what you want about my massive Cornhusker bias, I firmly believe there was no better player that year than Ndamukong Suh on either side of the ball.  In the Big XII Title Game that year Suh treated the Texas Longhorns like they were Tokyo and he was Godzilla.  I’ve never personally witnessed such domination in any football game.)

Mathieu is a dynamic playmaker.  He is a good punt returner, incredible defender, and product of an inane level of hype.  Saddled with the nickname “The Honeybadger,” which was based on a Youtube video that inexplicably went viral this past year, the mainstream media latched onto it and dug their fangs into it like a starving pitbull; refusing to let go, or shut up about what they thought was an inordinately humorous nickname.

Mathieu, for his part, looked fairly tired during all the awards ceremonies.  For this I have two theories:

1.  All the synthetic weed he’d been smoking with his teammates.  Seriously, the LSU guys have been smoking like chimneys in the dead of winter for years.  Now they’ve decided that, much like their fake IDs, doctored up social security cards and counterfeit twenty-dollar bills, faker is better.  They all had their “bowl” game earlier this year.  Loading up a few and smoking them down.  You have to have more respect for Mathieu when you consider that he was playing this well with all that THC pumping through his body.  Most stoners sit around listening to Ben Folds Five and watching Adult Swim, not running back punts 90 yards.

2.  He has been up all night studying “Rosetta Stone: English Edition” in an attempt to learn how to speak English for the myriad of interviews that he was about to face.

4th:  Montee Ball

Ball, honestly, should’ve gotten more hype.  He scored more than Rex Burkhead with underclassmen females.  Was in the endzone so often that sometimes you could confuse him for a member of the media, trying to get the perfect picture.  He, too, killed the Cornhuskers this past fall and I will only say that much about it.  If I think about that game too hard I may just chug carbon monoxide out of my tailpipe like Mathieu taking a fake-weed bong rip.

3rd:  Trent Richardson

If I have to hear one more media member and/or player/coach interview in which they describe Richardson as a “Beast” or a “Freak” then I think I’m going to start looking for a cliff to leap from.  He absolutely is both of those things, but the hype surrounding this junior running back grew from a far-off rumble to such a maelstrom of hyperbole that it was truly deafening.  His stats were better than Ingram’s, his former teammate, Heisman winning season but he played in a year with more singular standouts than in 2009.

2nd:  Andrew Luck

Luck was the quarterback version of Richardson this year.  He was thrust into our faces more often than Jared Fogle and ESPN held their own “Suck for Luck” campaign throughout most of the year.  Only they weren’t “sucking” in the figurative sense.  If you follow me.  He had another great year, throwing the aforementioned 35 TDs and 9 picks, and did so with less talent at wide receiver than many of his competition.  But people didn’t mention the phenomenal offensive line that he had protecting him all year.

Too much was made of Luck’s NFL potential this year and his head coach (*Author’s note: who is a dead ringer in the “Younger Version of Jim Caldwell Look-a-Like contest” that I will feature. . .now:


came out in a belated effort to make sure that everyone knew exactly how important Luck was to his team.  There’s no denying that, without Luck, Stanford would be hurting.  They might even, gasp!, go back to playing like Stanford again.  Which is a real tragedy because those guys really have nothing to fall back on if football doesn’t work out for them.  While Luck played a Peyton Manning-esque role for his team, he will probably have to play a Peyton Manning replacement-esque for the Colts next year if they keep tanking. 

But, hey, it’s all good because Luck’s already playing for a guy who looks exactly like Jim Caldwell.  If Caldwell doesn’t get axed this offseason.

Winner: Robert Blake Stewie House of Gryffin-Dor III

Actual name: Robert Griffin III.  Actual skillset : insane.  Much has been made of RGIII’s speed and athletic ability.  But where he has truly showed off a tremendous amount of growth is his passing ability.  The main knock on Griffin is that he was on a team that lost 3 games this year.  But, the thing to remember here is, he plays for Baylor.

You have to grade on a curve with some teams.  Baylor is that perennial idiot, the guy that routinely pulls “D”s and “C-“s on tests suddenly gets a B+ on the final exam.  That deserves more praise than some guy who usually does really well and gets his usual A+, right?  It does in the sports world.  That’s why Les Miles shouldn’t have gotten coach of the year, even with all the suspensions (*Author’s note: who’s in charge of disciplining the players?  The coach.  So why does Miles get credit for winning without them when he failed them as a disciplinarian?), and someone like an Art Briles or a Bill Snyder why took a team that has been the dregs of the league to soaring heights should have taken home the prize.

RGIII played out of his mind.  Here’s his combined stats for the losses his team suffered this year against K-State, Texas A&M, and Oklahoma State:

Passing Yards:  1,201
TDs:  9
INTs:  4

Those numbers, even in a loss, are incredible.  He’s like the special effects in Cloverfield: he was the only part of his team worth watching.  The rest was just a jumbled up mess with few bright spots to speak of. 

Simply put, Griffin deserves the Heisman.  So, as I sip my soda that I’m sure somebody spit in (*Author’s note: RIP, Chappelle’s Show) let me salute the house of Robert Gryffindor III.  Here’s to a hell of a season.



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