Insane Rom-Nov of the Week: Part Deux

Posted: December 10, 2011 in Pop Culture
Tags: , , , , ,

(*Author’s note: this is the second, very delayed, part of a Burnpoetry mini-series involving a new, highly absurd, pastime.  Looking at the covers of Romance novels at my local grocery stores, surreptitiously photographing them with my phone and then breaking down the ins, outs, and made up plotlines of each.  Idiotic?  Absolutely.  Fun?  Definitely.)

[*Secondary Author’s note: I found this gem near the holiday editions of magazines proclaiming that they would shred your abs, tone your glutes, and that the Kardashian sisters don’t judge one another.  In short, quality stuff.]

{*Tertiary, final author’s note. . .no seriously. . .I swear:  Full disclosure here, folks.  I couldn’t get my camera phone pic to upload properly to the site so I had to suffer the indignity of Googling this book.  I attempted I was able to find the picture but I just wanted to to be honest about my weirdness.  Now that I’m out of brackets and parentheses, we’ll get the ball rolling.}

Enough about the high quality magazine articles that are inundating our supermarkets and the weird punctuation I can use to make author’s notes.

Without further ado, Ladies and Gentleman of Burnpoetry, here is your insane Rom-Nov of the week:

Title: Much Ado About Vampires

The Book Cover:  Where to start?  Perhaps the smoldering closeup of some apparent vampires package thrust directly into your literary grill.  The cover of this book could best be described as an ocular teabagging.  The wind-blown, dark brunette locks of the cover guy hang mysteriously over his square jaw and lustfully burning eyes, full of more heat than the flashes the target audience of the book experience.

He has a very vampirey (apparently?) tat on his chiseled, P-90Sexed up abs that you can see middle-aged women fantasizing about doing their linens on and scrubbing their shoulder-padded pant-suit coats on.

The tat appears, to a man like myself who spends far too much time analyzing these kinds of things, like one that was fashioned either while deep in cell block C in some kind of weird vampire prison by a cellmate using a sharpened spoon from the lunch room and a fragmented Bick pen leaking ink or in a vampire trailer park by a vampire meth dealer that moonlights as an amateur vampire tattoo artist.  Who sucks at his job.  No pun intended.

My final theory on the ab-tat is that, perhaps, this vampire is just a fan of UFC.  Almost everyone who pours their hard earned WalMart checks into watching the UFC has at least one such tat.  It begs the question, “do Vampires  like the UFC” which in turn begs the answer, “Only the dumb ones.”

The best part of the cover is the upper right hand.  Right above square, ripped shoulders that look like they belong to a dude leaving the “Smush Room” on Jersey Shore.  This picture doesn’t fully do it justice because it’s such low quality so I’ll explain what it reads.

In sultry, delectable language it spells out all you need to know about Katie MaCalister’s book, “He’ll need to bear more than his soul to get a mate. . .  In the words of tweenage sexters and the tragically idiotic song that spelled the end of Usher’s reign as a good musician: OMG!

What, one wonders, could MaCalister be getting at?  Probably fangs, right?  Or, well, there’s really no polite way of saying this: Vamp-dong?  Judging by the guys shirt which is flapping open in the breeze like laundry in a hurricane, it’s probably the latter.

One of the other pieces of the cover of note is that the book is a New York Times bestseller.  And people think literature is dead?  Please.  They just need more stories focused on Vamp-dong.  Seriously.

(*Author’s note: I just wanted to work my new favorite hyphenated word back into another sentence.  Also, this guy seems pretty tan for a vampire.  Either he’s been spray-tanning more than a sorority girl before she hits Cancun looking for love or the dude should be a pile of hot ash.)

Completely Made up Plotline:  Vampire Marcus De la Vega is nearly 500 years old.  He’s seen the rise and fall of nations; the advent of technologies and the full spectrum of humanity.  After losing his wife and 2 baby girls in (______Insert ancient tragedy and/or plague here) he was driven to the brink of insanity by the tragedy.

Nearly driven mad by grief, De la Vega found solace in the arms of a dark, mysterious woman. . .with a penchant for biting in the bedroom.

After being turned, The immortal De la Vega threw himself into vampirism to fill the chasm left by his dead family.  He has met, wooed, and fed on countless gorgeous, undoubtedly buxom young maids in his time.  He has whispered feverish, lustful nothings into the ears of hundreds of maidens and queens alike.  He’s ravished the rich and powerful and lain with the thieves robbing their coffers.

But, after hundreds upon hundreds of years of feasting his every desire, something is missing.  After all his time spent traveling the world and indulging his vampiristic whims, De la Vega finds himself at a cross roads (*Author’s note: pun intended).  It’s as though he has lost his will to un-live.  The thrills that once led this virile vampire to the heights of debauchery no longer appeal to him.

De la Vega heads to the eastern seas of America.  He is intent on watching the sun rise and exploding into a steaming pile of ashes.  He will finally be able, once again, to rest in peace.

Veronica Sandalia, called “sandals” by her loveable, uglier friend who always seems to have man trouble and is clumsy in a way that is utterly endearing (*Author’s note: to idiots), is a dance instructor with a battered past.  A recovering alcoholic, struggling to find a meaning to a life she has grown jaded towards the things she once loved. Trying to escape the memory of a philandering husband and heart she can feel cooling faster than McDonald’s french fries in December she, too heads east.

Once there, she comes across a stirring, enigmatic, brooding, simmeringly sensual, vampire version of a guido that reignites her faltering pilot light. The guttering flame leaps to a blaze. Not knowing this secretive man’s true, deeply held desire for blood, she is pulled in; enfolded in the depths of his heat and darkness.

In De la Vega, “Sandals” feels the icy crown melting from off her high-foreheaded-brow.

As De la Vega listlessly drifts through midnight he prepares himself for doom; for dawn. Until he comes face to face with something unexpected. Someone unexpected. Suddenly De la Vega’s undead heart is pulsing with something he hasn’t felt for nearly 500 years: life.

Bumping into Veronica in a blues bar/tango bar/martini bar/seedy underground place where depressed but inevitably gorgeous people go to drink in romance novels, De la Vega finds something worth being undead for.

Will De la Vega stop his bloodlust and let light touch the dark shadows so long kept within his heart? Will Veronica realize that the man she’s falling for has a drinking problem of his own…drinking blood that is? Can true love be found in the darkest of moonless nights by two wandering souls? Will passions burn so hot that blood spills and cupid’s arrows are replaced by stakes to the heart? Will my mom e-mail me to complain about my repeated referencing of vamp-dong?

These questions and much, much more await all who thrust their minds — and their loins — into Much Ado About Vampires.

Fake Taglines for the Back of the Novel:

– “I totally want to ‘ado’ Marcus De la Vega!”
– Coming soon to Lifetime Movie Network, starring John Stamos
– Coming soon…Vampire and Juliet
– Coming soon…A Midsummer Night’s Vampire
– Coming soon…MacVampire

(*Author’s note: some other phenomenal titles from the same author: Crouching Vampire Hidden Fang, My Big Fat Supernatural Honeymoon and Cupid Cats)

FIN

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