Huskers V.S. Spartans: Ghoulish Questions and a Random Photo of Forest Whitaker

Posted: October 28, 2011 in Sports
Tags: , , , , , , ,

This Saturday is a pivotal game for the Nebraska Cornhuskers.  That might actually be an understatement.  This next game will undoubtedly go a long way to determining whether this season can be classified as a success or a failure. 

After being curbstomped, drawn and quartered, and cremated by a national television audience at Camp Randall Stadium by the Wisconsin Badgers in our first real test of the season, it’s time to see if the Huskers can rise from the grave of below-average play and make something happen.  Putting it poetically, can Pelini go all George A. Romero up in this piece?

For the Huskers, and for their faithfully manic-depressive fans, this game is the game.  It could represent the turning point of a season that so far has been the definition of lackluster or it could represent another speed bump on Bo Pelini’s path to glory.  Here are some things to keep an eye on for Saturday’s game.  Since it’s nearly Halloween, a holiday that most can attest I am deeply in love with, I thought I’d bring a little bit of the chill of a horrific, moonless All-Hallows Eve to questions

Will Tayvid Copperfield Trip and Fall Over His Own Two Feet While Trying to Escape the Killer?

One of the truly bone-chilling things about this weekend is the uncertainty of what Taylor Martinez will play like.  He’s a see-saw; a roller coaster; he plays like the moment when you rip back the shower curtain or shut the bathroom mirror while a mental orchestra wails away on their scariest violin note.  Will he?  Won’t he? 

Our offense, like it or not, is shackled to the legs (and as much as it pains me at times) the arm of this sophomore.  If he can avoid making mistakes, play smart football, and if he can take care of the ball without losing that insane penchant for explosiveness we’ll be okay. 

If he can’t. . .we won’t.

One other storyline to keep on your radar: will he rock gloves on both hands like he’s planning on committing a felony?  I’d rather have Martinez put his fingers on the ball than drop back and be mistaken for a 1995-Halloween OJ costume.  Actually, I wouldn’t.  (*Author’s note: I really just wanted to work an OJ reference in there.  Orenthal James Simpson costumes are, and will always be, timeless.)

Will the Defensive Line Make Kirk Cousins Run to his Panic Room?

First, Crick explodes his pectoral like a swimsuit model who kept telling her plastic surgeon to “hit me”, then Thaddeus Randle goes down with an injury.  Cameron Meredith seems to be better at impersonating Troy Polamalu’s hair than impacting the game like him and Baker Steinkuhler so far hasn’t been as effective as we need.

The Huskers have to put some pressure on Kirk Cousins.  We need to turn him into Jodie Foster, running screaming for a steel-plated vault while sobbing uncontrollably and barely being able to outrun Forest Whitaker. 

(*Author’s note: since this post is already ridiculous, enjoy this photo of a guy who later went on to win an academy award. 

If Cousins is allowed to sit back, take his time, and wait all day for receivers to break open then Nebraska is in legitimate trouble.  If the Brothers Pelini can dial up the right blitzes, pressures, and schemes, then we have a good chance of taking down the less-than-mobile-Cousins.

Will P-90Rex Give the Vorhees Treatment to the Spartans Like They’re Pot-Smoking, Orgy-Loving, Teenagers Having a Campout?

Rex Burkhead has come on strong recently for the Huskers.  Tim Beck has figured out ways to utilize the bruising, surprisingly-agile tailback in ways that help get the ball out of Martinez’s hands and into the loving mitts of our best offensive weapon.

The Spartans have a good defense.  Some would argue great.  We need Rex Burkhead to have a big game in order for our team to succeed.  In fact, we need him to sneak up on the Green and White like they’re Kevin Bacon having pre-marital sex and crush them.

This will be a battle of wills up front and if we can get P-90Rex an inch of space he will take 5 yards.

The Final Most Horrifying Question of All: Bulletin Board Material, Anyone?

Much was made over Taylor Martinez’s quotes in the media this week, mentioning the fact that perhaps the wind played a role in the Spartans’ shutting down Michigan QB Denard Robinson, but here’s the most disturbing piece of bulletin board material yet:

That’s Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino.  Reppin’ the Spartans.  Which can only mean one thing:  we must beat them.  We must destroy anything that his herpe-riddled, hair-gel-stained hands have touched.  We must cleanse the earth once and for all of any program willing to associate themselves with “The Sitch.”  You want horror?  You want goblins, ghouls, and more orange than a Pumpkin patch on October 31st?   That’s The Situation.

Want someone who is the living, breathing Halloween movie cliché of “The First and Most Obvious Brutal-But-Kind-of-Funny-Because-He-Deserves-It-So-Much” guy to die.  Slash ’em, Huskers.  Slash ’em good.

(*Author’s note: I hope everyone has a great Halloween.  If you’re going to the game, please feel free to shout, “Tonight. . .we dine in hell!  Over and over again.”)

FIN

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