National Horror Association: The Draft

Posted: October 26, 2011 in Pop Culture
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Now that we’ve covered the basis of the league and the way in which it will be set up we need to take the next logical step.  As I mentioned in the previous post, this newly formed league will have the 8 teams and owners representing their proud cities.  Every good new league needs to have a draft.  We’ve already determined the draft will be held in New York City and televised by the venerable SyFy Channel. 

The draft itself will be conducted in a snake-style draft, meaning that the team with the last pick in the first round will have the first pick in the second and so on, and will be broken down by SyFy’s team of analysts featuring The Ghost of Vincent Price, The Gothic Kid in High School Who Has a Morbid Curiosity With the Dead and Always Somehow Knows Shitloads About the Killer, and a team of sideline reporters.

Through a random drawing we have established a draft order:

1.  The Portland Prank Calls From the Killer
2.  The Minneapolis Maybe He’s Actually Dead This Times
3.  The San Francisco Shower Scenes
4.  The Pittsburgh Pre-Martial Sexers
5.  The Dallas Dream Within a Dream Sequences
6.  The Utah Underage Drinkers
7.  The Niagara Trips and Falls Over Nothings
8.  The Philadelphia Flickering Lights

Let’s go, now, live to Radio City Music Hall in the heart of New York City where the draft order has been established, the owners are standing by with their draft teams, and the slashers, ghouls, monsters, and psychopaths are anxiously waiting in the green room for the moment when they hear their names get called and their dreams are realized.

(As the broadcast begins we see commissioner John Carpenter sitting alone at his synthesizer.  A thin layer of fog pools up by his feet.  He immediately kicks into skin-crawling, undoubtedly 6/8 time, synth-doom and the crowd roars to life.)

The Ghost of Vincent Price:  Eat your heart out David Stern.  Or, if you’re not interested, Zombie Al Davis will certainly eat it for you.  Hello and welcome to the first annual Horror draft.  I’m The Ghost of Vincent Price and with me is my broadcasting partner, The Gothic Kid in High School Who Has a Morbid Curiosity With the Dead and Always Somehow Knows Shitloads About the Killer.

Gothic Kid: (Sighs) Huhhh. . .what’s up?  We’re all going to die. . .I hope you know that.

The Ghost of Vincent Price:  Terrific stuff as always.  Let’s go now to our sideline reporter, the overly-ambitious, manipulative and sensationalism-driven reporter, Gail Willalwaysbeundonebyherambitionanddisregardforhumanlife.  Gail?

(Gail Willalwaysbeundonebyherambitionanddisregardforhumanlife is standing next to a hockey mask wearing Jason Vorhees and his insanely creepy mother)

Gail:  Thanks, Vincent.  If I may say, your ghostly mustache is looking pencil thin tonight.  Well played.  I’m standing by here with potential first round draft pick Jason Vorhees.  Jason, there’s been some talk that you could go in the first round but many analysts have predicted that you’ll slide further down in the draft due to what some are calling “mommy issues.”  Any response?

(Jason stands mutely by)

Mrs. Pamela Vorhees:  My son doesn’t have mommy issues.  He was a good boy.  Do you hear me?!?!  A good boy.  It was those counselors. . .they weren’t paying attention to him.  They snuck off to make love and they let him DIE!

Gail:  There you have it.  Straight from the horse’s mouth.  Normally I would say that these two appear highly unstable and should be avoided at all costs, but I’m looking for a network news gig so I’m just going to keep right on pressing forward.

The Gothic Kid: Gail, that might not be the best idea.  Jason Vorhees is a slashing, murdering, killing machine.

(Jason and his mother turn and begin to walk away)

Gail:  (excitedly) Ooooo. . .look.  They’re heading into a dark, abandoned part of the draft room.  I’m going to go investigate this alone.  Back to you, Ghost of Vincent Price.

GOVP:  Well I think we all know how that’s going to end.  Let’s go now to the dais where Commissioner Carpenter is standing by.

(Carpenter has ceased his ominous-synth-death-ballad and has taken the microphone)

Carpenter:  Hello everyone.  I’m pleased to announce that this is the first annual National Horror Association draft.  It’s amazing to see we have such a great turnout.  I’d like to extend a special welcome to the spring breakers drinking heavily, teenagers gossiping on their phones while wearing only their underwear, the campers making poor life decisions, and even the kids who have cars that won’t start, are out of gas, and will inevitably break down at the wrong time.  It’s good to be here isn’t it?

(The crowd cheers wildly)

GOVP:  The draft order has been decided.  And the first pick is in.  Let’s go now to Commissioner Carpenter for the first pick.

Carpenter:  Ladies and gentleman, if I may have your attention please.  With the first pick in the NHA draft, the Portland Prank Calls from the Killers have selected. . . Michael Myers, from Haddonfield Illinois. 

(The commish nods happily and the crowd erupts into cheers.  Carpenter sits down at his synthesizer and plays Myers’ theme song.)

GOVP:  And there you have it, my young black-nail-polish-wearing friend.  The first pick is a real doozy.  Your take?

Gothic Kid:  Well, first off let me start off by saying, death comes for us all.  Let me make that very clear.  This pick will certainly doom us all.  However Mike Myers is a homerun first pick.  Every few years a Peyton Manning-level talent comes along and you just have to make sure to grab him, GVP.

GOVP:  Truly.  People were saying that Myers was this year’s can’t miss prospect and he’d even drawn some comparisons to LeBron James.

Gothic Kid:  Finally, someone in the big leagues who can out-choke LeBron.

GOVP: Indeed.  Myers has finally stalker-walked his way to the stage.  Let’s see if his reunion with commissioner Carpenter is a happy one.

(Carpenter give Myers a hug.  Myers turns his head quizzically sideways.  Carpenter presents him with a fitted, custom-made white mask that has Portland’s logo on the side and a mechanic’s jumpsuit with a sewn on number one.)

Gothic Kid:  Myers has given that look to many of the nearly 88 people he has brutally murdered.

GOVP: Hmmm. . .this might not be good.  Look you can just make out the gold-plated knife that his agent, Drew Rosenhaus, gave him as a signing bonus.

(Carpenter suddenly realizes he’s in danger and jumps back right as Myers slowly raises the knife dramatically.  An ancient man in a trench coat, wearing black gloves suddenly pushes his way to the front of the dais.)

GK:  And right on time, there’s Doctor Loomis, Myers’ ancient, undying adversary.

(Loomis pulls out a 6-shot revolver and shoots Myers seven times in the chest.  On the 7th shot, Myers stumbles backwards and falls off the back of the stage.  Loomis turns and limps off mysteriously.)

GVP:  There you have it folks.  An explosive first overall pick.

GK:  (stunned) And he even used the patented 7th bullet out of his six-shooter.

GVP:  Let’s see what happened to Myers.  Surely he’s dead for good this time.  This has got to be almost as big of a draft-day fiasco for Portland as spending their first pick on Greg Oden.

(The cameras rush over to where Myers fell off the staircase and the body is gone)

GVP:  (chuckling in a stereotypical announcer laugh) And it appears as though his body is gone.

GK:  Well, it’s a little known fact that Radio City Music Hall was built on an old Indian burial ground, on top of a group of massive cave system.

GVP:  And let me guess?  There’s a river underneath?

GK:  That runs to all 50 of the states in the Contiguous U.S.

GVP:  And there’s still hope for a title in Portland.  Well, we’re moving right along here, my torn-at-the-knee-skinny-jean-wearing compatriot.  Looks like commissioner Carpenter has recovered from his near-death experience and has the Minneapolis’ pick ready to go.

GK:  I have a bad feeling about this.

(Carpenter steps up to the microphone)

Carpenter:  With the second pick in the National Horror Association Draft, the Minneapolis Maybe He’s Actually Dead This Times select. . .Freddy Krueger.

GVP:  Wow. . .and we have our first shocking selection in the draft.  Most draft experts and analysts had predicted a sure-fire Myers-Jason Vorhees 1-2 selection.  Gothic kid?

GK:  Frankly, GVP, I’m a little shocked myself.  Jason Vorhees seemed like an obvious choice for the number two pick here.  A couple issues that the scouts saw here.  There are concerns about Krueger’s work ethic, his reliance on sleeping medication to trap victims and the simple fact that his fashion sense might be the worst of all the draft picks tonight.

GVP:  All valid points, Gothic Kid.  Let’s check in live with Gail and see if she’s gotten any word on this shocker from down on the ground floor.  Gail?

(The cameras give us a closeup of Gail in an interview chair passed out cold.  Sleeping with her head resting against a wall.  The cameras jump back to the announcer’s booth.)

GVP:  Gail?  Gail are you– (GVP nods intently while holding a finger to his ear).  I’ve just been informed that Gail has been drinking charcoal-filtered vodka straight from the bottle and eating chewing Oxycodone like Tic-Tacs. She might be taking a little nap.

GK: Shouldn’t we try to wake her up? Freddy massacres people by the dozen if they fall asleep.

GVP:  As someone who once abused pain pills with JFK, believe you me, it’s a dreamless sleep. 

(Gothic kid pulls his hoodie up over his head and pouts)

GVP:  Oh, alright.  (shouting) GAIL!  GAIIILLLL!

(The cameras jump back to Gail and she’s dead; tongue lolling in an insane manner out of her mouth)

GK:  We’re too late.  Oh, man. . .oh, man.

GVP:  Whoops.  Looks like Gail finally got her big scoop.  Ummm. . .and the commissioner is back with the third pick in the draft.  Let’s go back to Mr. Carpenter.

(Carpenter mounts the stage and moves up to the microphone)

Carpenter:  And with the third pick in the NHA draft, the San Francisco Shower Scenes select. . .  Chi-Chi-Chi-Ahh-Ahh-Ahh.  Jason Vorhees!

GVP:  And there you have it.  Vorhees is off the board. 

GK:  I’ve been doing some research in a conveniently dark and musty library by myself at inordinately late hours and have a few facts about Jason Vorhees for the listeners.  1.  He doesn’t like it when people have sex at his lake–

GVP:  If the tent is a rockin’ the slashers come-a-stalkin’. . .

GK:  2.  Weapon of choice is a machete, but he’s an equal opportunity slaughterer–

GVP:  A switch hitter, capable of going deep from either side of the plate. . .

(The repartee between the two announcers is interrupted as the cameras cut back to the stage where Vorhees has slowly climbed the steps.  His mother is at his side and she steps up to the microphone first.)

Pamela Vorhees:  Did you know a young boy drowned the year before those two others were killed?  Jason should’ve been watched.  Every minute.  He was… He wasn’t a very good swimmer.

GVP:  Alright. . .

(Jason Steps up next to his mother and puts on his new San Francisco, custom-made hockey mask with his team logo and she gives him a huge hug)

  GVP:  (with his hand to his ear again) Okay. . .Okay.  I’ve just been told that, since we knew Gail’s doom was imminent, we hired a backup reporter.  A young, shockingly-attractive-and-unshockingly-troubled-in-the-man-department, reporter.  She has an expert on this up-and-coming star, Jason Vorhees.  We go live, now, to Jessica Hasadarksecretshehopesneverresurfaces.  Jessica?

(Jessica is standing alongside an old, grizzled weirdo, who appears to be seated on an ancient, beat down bicycle)

Jessica:  Hello, Ghost of Vincent Price and Gothic Kid.  Glad to be here.  Rest in peace, Gail.  I’m here with Crazy Ralph, longtime resident of Crystal Lake, Jason Vorhees’ hometown.  You must be very proud of Crystal Lake’s hometown boy?

Crazy Ralph:  I’m a messenger of God.  You’re doomed if you stay here.

Jessica:  Oh, no. . .that reminds me of the time. . .

GK:  And she’s clearly having a very dramatic, internal flashback here, GVP.

(the cameras zoom in tight on Jessica’s face and she’s tearfully oblivious; pensively looking deep into her past. . .into her very soul.  Crazy Ralph shakes her from her revery)

Crazy Ralph:  You’re all doomed!

GK:  (sighing mournfully) He’s right, you know.

GVP:  Ground-breaking stuff, there, Jessica.  It looks like the fourth pick is in.  Let’s take a listen.

(Carpenter strides purposefully out to the podium)

Carpenter:  With the fourth overall pick in the NHA Draft the Pittsburgh Pre-Marital Sexers select: Ghostface.

GVP:  And the hits just keep on coming, don’t they, my guy-liner-wearing friend?

GK:  Absolutely, GVP.  Absolutely.  There were some legitimate concerns with Ghostface, the super-villain from the Scream movies, as he’s known as one of the clumsier, less invincible slashers out there.  However, he does move faster than a lot of the other slashers in the draft.  His 4.9 40-yard dash time was a staggering 10 seconds faster than Jason Vorhees and 22 seconds faster than the slower-than-an-elderly-woman-with-a-walker Mike Myers.

GVP:  Speed can erase a lot of those flaws.  We go now to Jessica once more, standing by.

(The cameras go to Jessica)

Jessica:  Thanks, guys.  A lot of people here are buzzing about that last pickup by the Pre-Marital Sexers because–

(her phone rings)

Jessica:  Excuse me, I’m going to get this really quick, guys.  (into the phone) Hello?  Yes, this is she.  My what?  Oh, well if I had to pick one I really like Psycho.  Yeah, the Alfred Hitchcock one. 

GK:  Jessica!?!  Don’t answer the phone.  Can you hear me?

Jessica:  (to the broadcasters) I’m on the phone, here, Gothic Kid.  Manners much?  Besides this kind of reminds me of once, long ago. . .

Jessica & GK:  (in unison) when I was a little girl.

Jessica:  (back into her cellphone) You do?  Alright.  Where should I meet you?  Terrific.  (she hangs up and looks at the camera)  I’ve got an anonymous tip that seems really trustworthy.  I’m going to meet them in an empty warehouse by a large body of water where a human body could easily be disposed of.  I’m so close to uncovering the truth.  (she pulls out a flashlight)  The batteries on this are a little low. . .it kind of just keeps flickering.  Anyway, I’ll be right back.

GVP:  Seriously?  Do we have any more reporters on staff here, Goth Kid?  Ooops. . .there she goes.  And just in time, it looks like Commissioner Carpenter is ready again.

(Carpenter strides to the podium once more)

Carpenter:  With the fifth pick in the NHA draft, the Dallas Dream Within a Dream Sequences have selected. . .Leatherface!

GVP:  And Dallas takes the Big Southerner.  Your take, Gothic Kid?

GK:  Not a huge surprise here, GVP.  We know that the people in Texas think that everything in that godforsaken state is the best, and they show it here by swooping in on the #1 rated in-state prospect and pulling him off the board early.  There’s gonna be a few disappointed teams who were hoping he’d slip a little further down since he hasn’t had a hit movie in years.

GVP:  Very true.  And, wow this is a surprise, it looks like the next pick is already in.  That sure was fast.

(Carpenter’s back at the podium)

Carpenter:  With the 6th pick in the NHA Draft, the Utah Underage Binge Drinkers have selected, Chucky!

GVP:  Wow!  And there’s another big shocker.  The second one of the day.  There was obvious concerns about Chucky’s size.  Lest we forget, you can really just punt him if he gets too close.  Goth kid?

GK:  Oh, this is so bad.  Such bad news.  Well, my friend, we know that Chucky doesn’t exactly stuff the physical stat sheet the way some of his fellow draftees have, but the simple fact is this: he’s a proven winner.  He’s got a sequel percentage that’s nearly unrivaled among the killers today and he’s even had his own awkward, kind of creepy sex scene.  That’s moxy for you.  He’s got all the intangibles. 

GVP:  Wait, are you talking about Chucky. . .or Tim Tebow?  Let’s go down live to our hard-working sideline reporter, Jessica.  Jessica, what have you got for us?

(The camera cuts to Jessica.  She’s impaled on a stool next to Gail.)

GVP:  Oh for the love of. . .(shouting off camera) do we have anyone else down there?  Oh, it doesn’t matter right now.  I’m told the commissioner is keeping things humming right along.  We’ve got the next pick in already.  Let’s see what owner M. Night Shyamalan decides to do with his first round pick.

(Carpenter steps up)

Carpenter:  The Candyman.  Er, I mean, with the seventh overall pick in the 2011 NHA draft, the  Niagara Trips and Falls Over Nothings select The Candyman.  Sorry, I got a little ahead of myself there.

GVP:  Oh!  And in typical, M. Night Shyamalan fashion, the plot twist for the Niagara Falls Over Nothings is revealed way too early.  Outstanding stuff, here, Gothic Kid. 

GK: We’re witnessing history here, GVP.  The Candyman is the Jackie Robinson of horror.  Not only did he shatter the color barrier, but he killed buxom white women and crackheads in the hood as well.  Truly historic.

GVP:  I’m being told we have yet another sideline reporter in the wings, waiting to interview the potential 8th pick in the draft, Ben Willis, the star of I Know What You Did Last Summer.  I’m told Jamie Dirtygirlwhoconstantlybangseverythingthatmovesuntilshegetsmurderedwhileintheactofsex is standing by now.  Jamie?

(Jamie is standing next to a dark, shadowy figure wearing a rain slicker.  She’s putting on lipstick and only wearing a towel)

Jamie:  Wow, GVP, your voice sounds totally hot.  I can’t wait to meet you and Goth Kid in person.  Anyway I’m here with some guy, who might be really cute underneath that rain poncho.  I just can’t quite see.  I’ll probably have to bend way over to get a look.

(Suddenly a red Ferrari comes screeching into the frame and slams into Ben Willis, sending his body flying into darkness.  The boy driving comes stumbling out holding a pony keg and drinking straight from the tap)

Jamie:  Hey!  Check it out, guys, it’s my boyfriend.

GK:  Uhhh. . .Jamie?  The interview?

(Jamie is making out with her boyfriend.  She turns to the camera)

Jamie:  I don’t think he’s alive anymore.

Jamie’s Drunk, Idiot Boyfriend:  Yeah.  Clearly dead, bro.  Now F-off.

Jamie:  (leading away her drunk, idiot boyfriend) Now. . .I could have sworn I saw a shower around here. . .maybe you can wear that sexy rain poncho I bought you for Christmas, too.

GK:  She lasted a shorter amount of time than even the other ones.  Damn.

GVP:  And it looks like the Commissioner is ready to deliver the final pick of the first day of our draft coverage.

(Carpenter steps to the mic)

Carpenter:  With the eighth pick in the NHA draft, the Philadelphia Flickering Lights select Angela Baker, from Sleepaway Camp.

GVP:  And talk about ending on a high note!  The diminutive killer from multiple, and might I add terrible, horror movies is the final selection taken in the first round.

GK:  Oh, man. . .oh, man.  I just don’t think we should be here right now.

GVP:  Oh, man is right.  Angela, who turns out to be a dude later on in her horror movie plotline, technically fulfills half of the NHA’s title IX requirements, however, so that was a wise pickup by team owner Jack Nicholson. 

(theme music begins playing once again)

GVP:  And that, my black-mo-hawked little friend is our cue.  It’s been an absolutely astounding first day to the NHA draft.  We’ve had some ups, downs, murders, and gratuitous nudity.  In short, it’s been a hell of a time.  We’ll be back with more draft coverage tomorrow night.  For Gail Willalwaysbeundonebyherambitionanddisregardforhumanlife, Jessica Hasadarksecretshehopesneverresurfaces, and Jamie Dirtygirlwhoconstantlybangseverythingthatmovesuntilshegetsmurderedwhileintheactofsex.  And for my colleague, The Gothic Kid in High School Who Has a Morbid Curiosity With the Dead and Always Somehow Knows Shitloads About the Killer, let me just say thanks for tuning in.  I’m the Ghost of Vincent Price.  Goodnight.

FIN

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