Fanatical Fan

Posted: September 15, 2011 in Burn Poetry, Sports
Tags: , , , , , ,

Die-hard fans wonder where my secret lies.
I’m not good-looking or smarter than the average dude
So when I tell them my truths
They think I’m lying, being rude.
I say,
It’s in the hours spent watching
ESPN and College Gameday,
And the dollars spent on tickets;
Going broke immediately after payday.
I’m a fan
Fanatically.
Fanatical fan,
That’s me.

I walk into Memorial Stadium
Cool as January’s breeze,
And to a man,
The people around me
Watch my eyes devour field
Like a perv’s do a skeeze.
My voice swarms around them,
“Hang onto the F-ing ball, please!”
I say,
It’s the booze in my bloodstream,
And the N on my chest,
And my solemn sworn oath
To always hate Texas like plaque does hate Crest.
I’m a fan
Fanatically.
Fanatical fan,
That’s me.

Many people have wondered
Wherefrom this passion flows.
We pile up wins and student loans
but it’s all worth it just for a chance to throw the bones.
So smiling I reply, “Bo Knows. . .Bo knows.”
When I try to show them
they say they still can’t see.
I say,
It’s in the bulge of my eyes
The rasp in my throat
My to hell with the environment
Release the balloons, let them float.
I’m a fan,

Fanatically.
Fanatical fan,
That’s me.

Now you understand
Why my voice is so shot
Why I pound through tailgate food
Like munchies-possessed bro
who just got done bong-ripping pot.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you know.

I say,
It’s in the zealot-pride in my heart
The flatbill on my head
The Saturday Crunkness
That turns us to Sunday’s Dawn of the Dead.
‘Cause I’m a fan
Fanatically.
Fanatical fan,
That’s me.

(*Author’s note: This poem is a parody of a famous Maya Angelou poem.  If you already knew that, you’re probably an English major like myself — read: loser– and if you didn’t, here’s the link to the original.)

FIN

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Comments
  1. Sue Tolles says:

    I like your version much better.

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