(*Author’s Note: After scouring the back shelves of Love Library I came across an ancient, and terrifying, text.  Predictions penned, in quatrains of pure and utter doom, by an author known only as. . .Hatchstrodamus.  Experts agree that he is more than likely the less-famous, much better looking, distant relative to Nostradamus.  After hours spent poring over this ancient and terrifying text I feel certain that he was attempting to prognosticate the Nebraska Cornhuskers’ first Big 10 season.  These are his writings.  These. . .are his predictions.)

The Valley

In the Valley of the Happy, a geezer stalks the sidelines in highwater Dockers
His ancient face screwed into a grimace like he was just punted in the groin
He just keeps hanging on, as unfunny as “Little Fockers.”
The empire will surely crumble unless he can find a better QB than McGloin.

Tonight, They Dine in Hell

A cousin named Kirk will fall like the Alamo in Texas, San Antonio
A battle will be joined on 29th of October, seeking gold like the touch of King Midas
A coronary will be the least of the concerns for a man named Dantonio
The Spartans shall fall without the spear of Leonidas.

Badgers of Madison Country

The beast of the north will soon find itself poached
And Randall’s Camp will be broken up by the Park Rangers from the south
Bielema, Brett will spiral downwards as he finds himself outcoached.
The taste will be slapped from the losing badgers’ mouth.

The Twin Cities Schism

A city of twins will find itself in hot water, much like polo
As gophers delve deep to hide in their holes
Frozen with fear as in carbonite like the hero Han Solo
They’ll spin downward yet, crashing like a stripper slipping off the poles.

The City of Wind

The beastly wild cats from the city of wind will howl
Like they’ve climbed up a mighty oak and then cannot get down
Curiosity will surely slay these cats.  Like cougars on the prowl
Who can’t find willing young men, they’ll leave drunk with a frown.

Mazes of Blue

With Rich-Rod no more, and a bunch of coach named Brady
Another beast of the north must build Rome in a day
Especially coaching up a defense that hits as tough as a lady
Look for, in this year, those deep pockets to pay.

Vested Interest

In the eye of the Buck, healing’s sought, call Deepak Chopra.
Darth Vester turned jester gets hunted like a witch
And players get more free cars than that one time on Oprah.
Once revered icon now looks sleazier than Blagojevich.


In the land of the Hawk, under Ferentz’s watchful eye
lies a team that gets drunk and sells more crack than the crips
a coach with mediocre stats lives a multi-million dollar lie
No need for a wet floor, this coach will always have slips.


The world will end in 2012.


  1. Sue Tolles says:

    I’m sure this is all true

  2. madhat says:

    ELEMTARY????? Really, BP!

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