7 Pressing NFL Draft Questions

Posted: March 10, 2011 in Sports
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

As the NFL draft approaches, there are several intriguing questions that I feel must be addressed.  In no particular order, here they are.

1.  Blaine Gabbert’s Mullet: Will it Stay or Will it Grow?

Gabbert’s ‘do, which is firmly entrenched between 1980’s Bono and 1990’s Billy Ray Cyrus on the Burnpoetry “Morons with Mullets Flow Chart,” blossomed into something truly tragic midway through last season.  What Gabbert undoubtedly believed gave him a folksy, homegrown look actually made him look like he’d been transported through Bill and Ted’s phonebooth; straight out of his Poison tribute bands’ rehearsal space in someone’s mothers’ garage.  Suffice it to say, I can only wonder if Gabbert will hit the barber before he hits the stage to break the bank.

2.  What is Cam Newton’s actual 40 Time?

Cash…er, Cam Newton registered a solid 40 at the NFL combine, landing in the 4.59 second range.  However, what I and many NFL scouts are waiting for is for Cam to re-run that 40 after he empties out his pockets.

As it turned out, Newton’s actual third law was: Get paid, son!  And get paid, Cam did.  But it may have slowed him down a bit.

Once he dumps out his illegal, federally-investigated wallet, takes out the stolen laptop he had stuffed in there, and unburdens himself from the multitude of checks that he received from boosters he’s bound to drop all the way down to the 4.3 range.  Character issues, anyone?

3.  Will Tom Brady, Drew Brees and Peyton Manning Show Up at the Draft and Drunkenly Heckle Roger Goodell?

Alright, so maybe this one’s just a pipe-dream.  But how awesome would it be for these three, who were rumored earlier in the month to be plaintiffs in an anti-trust lawsuit against the NFL, showed up plastered and chucked insults at Goodell?  Matt Leinart and Ben Roethlisberger surely aren’t the only NFL players who enjoy ripping a few beer bongs, right?

I can just see Brady staggering up the steps to the dais, giving the cameras one of his Bieber-styled hairflips and grabbing the microphone from the Commish, “Yo, Roger, I’mma let you finish. I’mma let you finish, but Peyton Manning was one of the best draft picks of all time!”

4.  Will Al Davis Draft Charlie Sheen?

He’s made worse draft-day decisions.  The old codger from Oakland and the cop-dodger from Hollywood have a lot in common.  Al Davis’ catchphrase:  “Just win, baby!”  Chuck Sheen’s new catchphrase (and a rallying cry to insane people everywhere):  “Duh!?! Winning!”

I can just see it now.  Al will be in the war room on draft day, he’ll hitch up his adult pampers-lined sweatsuit pants, announce how he’s in love with Sheen’s “upside” and before we know it Sheen will be scoring an even fatter payday than “2 and a Half Men.”

5.  Will ESPN Put a Remote Camera in Tim Tebow’s House?

Last year, with Tebow opting to wait out the draft at home, ESPN offered us roughly 12,000 shots of the interior of the Tebow residence.  I saw more shots of a single living room than when I watched “Paranormal Activity 2.”

ESPN has done nothing to slow their school-girl-crush levels of Tebow fever and I wouldn’t put it past them to give us a “Tebow-Cam” on draft day.  Hell, I wouldn’t put it past them to give Tebow his own ESPN channel.

6.  Who Will Wear the Ugliest Suit?

Draft day: a time when normally fashion-conscious young men, still money-drunk — and in some cases still actually drunk, see: JaMarcus Russell — from the night before walk out onto the stage wearing suits that look like they were created from left over Bill Cosby sweaters.  A time when men wear more gold than the Emperor of Persia in “300” and sport bowler hats that belong in “Sherlock Holmes” novels more than in the year 2011.

Who will be the worst dressed?  That remains to be seen.  Just be ready to change your channel away from the HD so you don’t get blinded.

7.  Will Jake Locker be Placed on the Terrell Owens Memorial Suicide Watch List?

Locker, who by most accounts would’ve been a top pick in last year’s draft, returned to school last year and watched as his draft stock plummeted.  Actually, plummeted might not accurately convey what’s happened.  His stock has Hindenburged; exploding mid-air and slowly and excruciatingly sinking into flaming oblivion.

He went from being a sure-fire multi-millionaire and a top draft choice to being high on the Omaha Beef’s Indoor Football prospect list.  Locker’s return to school makes Howard Dean screaming “yahhhh!!!”, and thereby torpedoing his chance at the presidency, seem like a good choice.

Honorable Mention Questions

– Will Mel Kiper Jr.’s hair claim the coveted “most gel per follicle” record, previously held by “Jersey Shore”s Pauly D?

– Which draft pick will be the first to promptly squander their entire signing bonus by making it rain at a strip club?

– Which draft pick will be the first to awkwardly embrace and hold, a little too tightly, Roger Goodell?


  1. Sue Tolles says:

    very funny

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