Slam Dunk Contest ’11: Improving on the Excitement

Posted: February 19, 2011 in Sports
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Slam Dunk contest is today.  While you may have already known that, I doubt you know that the mere prospect of that makes me as giddy as an 11-year-old girl getting serenaded by Bieber in 3D.

It’s true.  While there’s a special, disdainful, spot in the most cynical chamber of my heart for most All-Star games (See: My post hating on the Pro-Bowl) I love everything about the NBA’s version of patting themselves on the back.

With all due respect to the Home Run Derby, the only watchable part of the MLB’s All-star festivities, the NBA Slam Dunk contest is the best part of any All-Star game.  Period.

This year’s contest promises to be one of the best dunk contests in years.  With Serge Ibaka, Javale McGee, DeMar DeRozan, and Blake Griffin battling head to head their promises to be some fireworks.   I may be physically unqualified, with my closest dunking attempt being slapping the backboard in the Freshman “B” team layup line, I do have some ideas on how to make this year’s dunk contest even more exciting from a fan’s perspective.

You may be saying, “But, Chris, you just got done jocking on the dunk contest, why do you feel the need to ‘improve’ it?”

Just think of this post as the guy that gets called in to refurbish the Mona Lisa.  He’s not re-painting the damn thing, just doing a little light brushwork.  Besides, football’s over and I’m running out of stuff to post about.

And so, Ladies and gentleman of Burnpoetry, without further ado I give to you: My ideas for the 2011 slam dunk contest.

Make Blake Griffin Dunk With Nate Robinson Riding Piggyback

Saying Griffin is the favorite this weekend is like saying that Martin Scorcese is a decent director.  Griffin is a dunker like we haven’t seen in some time.  He’s 1988 Mike Tyson; throwing vicious, angry haymakers at the rim with no regard for the devastation he might cause.  Like Tyson, his raw and unbridled power lave fans everywhere ducking and covering.

Griffin is that powerful in mid-air.  He’s a one-man Cold War.

So how do you slow down Seabiscuit?  How do you bring such a massive favorite back to the pack?  The way they actually brought Seabiscuit back to the pack.  Or tried to.  With weights.  In this case a 5 foot 7, 175 pound weight.
Robinson, for his part, seems to genuinely enjoy saddling up on his teammates and trying to make it 8 seconds.  He’s spent more time on Glen Davis’ back then Davis’ jersey.  If Griffin can continue to dominate with the NBA’s Spud Webb 2.0, then we’ll know he’s truly something special.

Have DeMar DeRozan Try to Dunk Over Mikhail Prokhorov’s Wallet

Prokhorov, the famous Russian billionaire owner of the Nets is so rich that if he laid down his sizeable wallet on the court it might just prove to be the biggest prop yet.  Whether jammed full of Rubles, dollars or tickets for his team’s games to give away. (*Author’s Note: Have you seen the Nets play?  He would have to give them away.)

If DeRozan can’t clear the Rusky’s own Berlin-wall-sized pile o’ cash then just have him wait until after the Nets ink Carmelo Anthony.  Prokhorov’s wallet will shrink significantly after that signing.

Have JaVale McGee Dunk From the Free Throw Line…Again

McGee, who most of us have never heard of, tried this dunk earlier in the year and wound up proliferating the tragic, sick-joke-of-a-punchline that is the Wizards’ 2010-2011 season.

Have Serge Ibaka’s Dunk Session Sponsored by Surge

Screw Sprite’s sponsorship deal.  Every kid my age would love the chance to relive the 4th grade slumber party memories that Surge used to provide: tweaking out from caffeine and sugar OD’s, feeling your tooth enamel wash down your throat as it disintegrates with just one glass, and contracting 1 new type of diabetes per 9 ounces ingested.

In short, who wouldn’t want to bring that back?  Have Serge pound some Surge and see if he can dunk.

I can see it now: Serge steps onto the court, holds a 2 liter of liquid amphetamine aloft, chugs half the bottle and performs the perfunctory scream.  After he shouts, “Suuuuuurrrrgggggeee!!!” and staggers towards the line we’ll see if he can even get off the ground, let alone dunk.

And finally:

Have One Dunk Per Round Judged by a Panel of Four 78-year-old Men

Old dudes don’t like dunks.  Most of them grew up in an era of basketball that spent about as much time in the air as a Wright Brothers flight.  Their favorite players were short, white dudes that smoked a pack a day and had names like Skip and Biff.  I can only imagine the hilarity of Ibaka throwing down a sick dunk and raking in 2’s and 3’s for “Showboating” and for “Hanging on the rim all willy nilly and such.”

My Grandpa used to tell me every time we watched basketball together that, “they ought to raise the rim to 12 feet to stop all that hangin’ on the rim.”   I think when McGee punches out that’s exactly the kind of crotchety feedback I’d love to hear.

The basketball is sure to be exciting with or without these changes.  However, since I’m sure Howard Stern’s a devoted reader, I think we should keep our eyes open for some of the newest changes.


  1. Sue Tolles says:

    I think your Grandpa was right.

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