The Super Bowl is on its way.  That much you clearly already know.  In fact, everyone on the planet probably knows.  Although the Egyptians have been kind of busy lately.  That, however, is another story altogether.

The Oscars are also rapidly approaching.  The building hype for one of my favorite entertainment nights along with one of the best sports nights has led me to wonder: how can I combine the two?

Here are some Oscar-themed plot-lines to keep your eyes on during tomorrow’s big game.

Ben Roethlisberger: The “Black Swan”, Except Hairier

Roethlisberger is a good QB.  That much is clear, based on his previous two super bowl rings and his numerous accolades as a player.  He seems to be a leader, more-or-less respected by his teammates, and steps up big time during the clutch moments of the game when many other QB’s wither.  He’s basically the white swan.  He’s Natalie Portman plus about 150 pounds and a serious beard.

Off the field, however, he’s turned into the black swan.  He’s this creepy, perv-job of a man who rides motorcycles without helmets, rolls with an entourage that makes the actual characters of “Entourage” seem tame, and did some pretty dirty stuff in a pretty dirty place.  Put on enough eye-black and Big Ben bears an uncanny resemblance to the bizarro-Portman of cinematic fame.

Will Big Ben play like the white swan, gracefully pirouetting away from tacklers and saying all the right things in both victory and defeat?  Or will he play like the black swan, binge drinking with his o-lineman in a piano bar and trying to do too much on the field?

Will Mike Tomlin Continue to be the Mark Zuckerberg ( “Social Network”s Main Character) of Coaching?

In “The Social Network,” we are shown the creation of a revolutionary, insanely fast-moving man whose innovation and creativity have led him quickly to a life atop the heap of internet stardom.  While Tomlin is not nearly as caustic and abrasive as Zuckerberg’s character, he is also immensely talented and successful at an early age.

While Zuckerberg would probably crap his pants at the intensity of such a dignified and bad-ass like Tomlin, the two share their precociousness and singular drive and focus that has granted them both so much in their chosen fields.

Will Aaron Rodgers Display “True Grit” in Leading His Team?

Rodgers, who has been knocked by many as not being a “winner” in the past has a chance to show his mettle in the upcoming Super Bowl.  While the Steelers’ Bret Keisel has the beard that most closely resembles that of “True Grit”s lead character Rooster Cogburn, it will be on Rodgers to try to match his intensity.

In “True Grit” a young, relatively unproven young girl seeks vengeance on the man who murdered her father.  Despite her relative inexperience in the ways of the wild west she helps inspire the veterans around her with courage and passion that belies her lack of years.  Rodgers will have to do the same.

Favre is that old gunslinger that shot the Packers in cold blood and then headed for the border.  Rodgers will be pursuing vengeance and looking to leave his own mark on society.  I know, it’s not that flattering on paper to compare any 20-something athlete in he prime of his career to a young girl but if you’ve seen the movie you get it.

Packers’ Offense Against the Steelers’ Vaunted Defense: “Inception.”

The Packers have an explosive, mind-bending spread offense attack.  With more talented wide receivers than most offensive coordinators could dream of, even a legend like Dick LeBeau might feel as though Leo DiCaprio and Co. broke into his dreams and gave him nightmarish visions of Greg Jennings going deep.

However, the Steelers’ violent, smashmouth defense may leave the Packers’ offensive staff with their heads spinning like one of those weird little tops that somehow help DiCaprio and his crew sneak into your minds.

It will be a great matchup of two teams at the height of their prowesses and could be enough to have people feel like their world is rapidly being folded in on itself like a collapsing dream.  Intense, right?

The Halftime Show Will Feel Like it Lasts “127 Hours.”

I’d rather saw my arm off with a rusty pen-knife than watch the Black Eyed Peas dance around stage in ridiculous costumes that look like they were designed to be a part of “Rue Paul’s Drag Race” and give the entire rap genre a bad name.


  1. Sue Tolles says:

    not really interested in who wins……….. probably the Packers.

  2. madhat says:

    I’m having a trouble getting the image of Roethlisberger as the Black Swan and Rodgers as Mattie Ross out of my head. It makes me laugh every time.

  3. madhat says:

    I’m having trouble getting the image of Roethlisberger as the Black Swan and Rodgers as Mattie Ross out of my head. It makes me laugh every time.

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