Big Mommas: A True Sign of the Apocalypse

Posted: February 4, 2011 in Pop Culture
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

I didn’t used to believe that the world was soon coming to an end.  Drivel, I thought to myself.  Just a conspiracy theory run amok like Y2K or the rumors circulating that Ke$ha is a good rapper.  Garbage, I thought. 

Then I saw a sign.  A tear in the space-time continuum that can no longer be laughed at or shrugged off with any of my usual disdain.  Like the electric charge in the air that causes your arm hairs to rise moments before lightning storms, I felt this coming but couldn’t really see what it was.

The hour is at hand, my friends.  Repent and start racing to complete your bomb shelters and underground fortifications.  Grab as many armfuls of canned goods as you can and head to the storm cellar.

Part 3 of the “Big Momma’s House” movies is hitting the theatres.

After assailing our collective consciousness with two horrendous movies, this franchise has decided to really twist the knife and drop a cinematic guillotine onto us all. 

Get ready for Martin Lawrence’s dentist-drill-set-on-“root canal”-anoying voice, as he gratingly tries to out-do Tyler Perry’s idiotic character “Madea” for the coveted “Voice Most Likely To Drive A Man to Harakiri.”

Lawrence, who has the ability to be funny in the right circumstances, habitually chooses to utilize his comedic talents in the worst possible way.  He was hilarious in both “Bad Boys” movies, his standup act, and was better than average on his Sit-Com “Martin” in the early ’90s.

However, much like a 5-star chef making Kraft’s Macaroni and Cheese, Lawrence seems to prefer taking the easy way out.  He’d rather dress up in a fat suit, screech loudly in a fake southern drawl and ruin 7th grade relationships.

It’s true.  In 7th grade I took one of my earliest “girlfriends” out to a movie and we made the unenviable mistake of choosing “Big Mama’s House.”  We sat through it, stunned into awkward silence, unable to muster any moments of brevity. 

It was like watching a movie with a long sex scene on DVD with your parents that is particularly inappropriate, only neither of you knew it would be in the movie.  It was that skin-crawlingly awkward.

Needless to say, we broke up shortly thereafter.  We’ve both moved on and are clearly better off for it, but at the time I blamed Martin Lawrence.

Brandon Jackson has agreed to light his own career on fire by playing the role of Lawrence’s son, thus napalming what appeared to be a chance at a funny career. 

Jackson, who was hilarious as fake rapper Alpa Cino in “Tropic Thunder,” seems to have inked his name in blood onto a contract with a director of such esteemed movies as “See Spot Run” and “Malibu’s Most Wanted.”

Am I over-reacting a bit? Probably.  But the fact remains that a good portion of society is somehow buying into what amounts to a 90-minute fat joke.  In a horrifying combination of “Mrs. Doubtfire,” “White Chicks,” and “The Nutty Professor” this movie will still somehow earn enough to at least get producer Will Smith– whose clearly stooping to a new low– his money back.

Save your money and I’ll tell you the plot: “A cop that’s really a man puts on a fat suit and a flowery dress, then he does stuff that a fat woman wouldn’t normally be good at.  The end.” 

Sounds hilarious right?  No?  Don’t you get it?  He looks fat and is in a dress.

Whatever you do, and I recommend panicking and rioting in the streets personally, just make sure that you don’t take your significant other to this one.  It might just be the end of you.


(*Author’s note:  )

  1. Sue Tolles says:

    the picture was great!!!

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