For those of you non-degenerates, and there are probably only a few who would delve into a den of vice like Burnpoetry, who don’t know what a prop bet is: they’re numbers you can bet on during gambling experiences besides the outcome of the game.  That being said, here’s a few prop bets I developed for tonight’s NCAA Title game between Auburn and Oregon.

–  Times the announcers use the word “explosive.” +/- 63
–  Times the announcers mention LaMichael James’ speed +/- 17
–  Times the Oregon Duck is shown doing pushups +/- 12
–  Times Cam Newton is shown and you it’s clear to the nation that he’s dirtier than a cholera outbreak +/- 9
–  Times the cameras zoom in on Oregon’s weird, 4-part signs on the sideline, which resemble a spreadsheet by a kindergartener in art class +/-13
–  Times Gene Chizik looks insanely excited about not being at Iowa State anymore +/- 10000000000000000000000000000000000
–  Times the announcers mention Oregon’s uniforms like we’re watching because we give a damn about fashion +/- 8
–  Obnoxious Kevin Bacon ads for DirecTV where he looks like he should be on “To Catch a Predator” and you find yourself wishing he’d actually been eaten by mutated worms in “Tremors” +/- 6
–  Runs where Cam Newton nearly breaks free but is weighed down by all the cash that’s stuffed into his pockets +/-3
–  Dr. Pepper ads featuring either a buck-toothed, bigger-fangs-than-the-cast-of-“Twilight”- Michael Strahan, Fergie attempting to make you wonder if the “Dr.” in Dr. Pepper is actually someone who diagnoses VD, or a completely washed up Gene Simmons who makes you wish he would put his KISS makeup back on +/-6
–  Times you hear the word “tempo” +/- 66
–  Oregon passes +/-17
–  Times ESPN shows a graphic with Cam Newton’s stats +/-5
–  Times Cam Newton’s Heisman trophy is mentioned, and you realize that he’ll probably have it for about another 300 days before the NCAA strips it from his hands +/- 8
–  Times Gus Malzahn’s name is mentioned +/-10
–  Times Darron Thomas’ name looks misspelled before you realize it’s just a weird way to spell it +/-7
–  Darron Thomas plays that make Husker fans wish Bo Pelini wouldn’t have just let Thomas bobble off his hands like a Niles Paul endzone drop +/- 8
(*Author’s Note: He actually had a shot at Thomas and didn’t pull the trigger out of loyalty to LSU coach Les Miles.  Whoops.)
–  Times you realize that I have no life +/- 1,205

FIN

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