Since I haven’t yet begun the 13 step process of coping with the soap-drop-in-San-Quentin style bowl game beatdown the Huskies laid on a lackadaisical, un-inspired, crappily coached Husker team, I decided to give myself a few days to wrap my already inefficient mind around the game.

That being said, I decided that I’d take a good long look at the wonderful, boozeiful (*Author’s Note: I invented that word purely for this occasion.  You’re welcome alcoholics looking for a new way to describe themselves.), holiday that is: New Year’s Eve.

So, ladies and gentleman of Burnpoetry, without further ado is the 2010 NYE Drinking game:

Take One Drink

–  When you realize that Dick Clark’s still alive.
–  When you realize that Dick Clark is only technically still alive.  Or that he’s an android.
–  When you realize that not only is Carson Daly still alive, is somehow milking his “TRL” fame into cash, and that you can’t get a job despite being infinitely cooler than Carson Daly.
–  When the first person at wherever you’re ringing in the New Year puts on one of those dopey, pointy hats that make them look like a $.10 version of the Pope.
–  Whenever someone claims that 2010 either “sucked, anyway” or “was a hell of a year.”
–  Whenever someone shoots the cork off their champagne like an eye-seeking missile and shouts, “whoooooo!!!!!” like Rick Flair.
–  If anyone claims that they want to watch ESPN’s “Year of the Quarterback” special.
–  When someone gets punched for mentioning that 2011 is “The Year of the Quarterback” a phrase which literally makes no sense.  What, ESPN, the last 30 years haven’t been all about quarterbacks?  And here I thought 2011 would surely be deemed “The year of the Kicker” and feature a riveting documentary on Sebastian Janikowki’s 2 minute workout routine.

Take Two Drinks

–  When Nicky Minaj struts onto stage dressed like her stylist stole clothing/wigs from both Lil Kim and Lady Gaga, did some acid and then threw together an outfit.
–  When either some desperate dude or skeezy female casually mentions to you that they “Don’t have a New Year’s Kiss” and then awkwardly pauses, waiting for you to slather on some chapstick and leap at the opportunity.
–  When someone pops one of those little champagne bottles with confetti inside.
–  When someone gets overly excited and shouts out, “T-minus ____(insert hours 5-1)!!”
–  When you log onto Facebook and see a minimum of 13 status updates detailing peoples’ New Year’s resolutions.
–  When you get a mass text from someone you haven’t spoken to since 2008 wishing you “Hppy Nw Yrs. :)!!”

Take Three Drinks

–  When anyone calls tomorrow “National Hangover Day.”
–  I anyone makes an overly big deal about 1/1/11.  Someone will.  I just know it.
–  Whenever anyone appears so tanked that they might not make it to Midnight in New York, let alone Nebraska or the midwest.
–  Whenever some lush has had their fill and claims, “This is gonna be the best. . .year. . .ever!”
–  If someone makes a sentimental toast (Usually me.  I admit it, I’m a lame-ass).

Chug it. . .Chug it!

–  Whenever someone pronounces their upcoming resolutions a little too loudly and you can tell they’re just doing it for show. (Ex: “I’m really gonna hit the weights this year.  You know. . .START GETTING MY SWOLE ON EVERYDAY.“)
–  Everyone fires into “Auld Lange Syne” and butchers the lyrics and no one cares, because it’s not really the words that are important.
–  If anyone actually knows the words.
–  A group of girls step into the room where you’re at looking dressed like they’re on their way to Prom.
–  If someone makes a dirty joke about the “Ball dropping” in Times Square.  (Ex: These balls dropping in Times Square took longer than Justin Bieber’s.”)
–  If someone mentions that Snooki was originally slated to be dropped in the ball in New York City and she got demoted to being dropped in a ball in New Jersey.
–  When two people get a little too excited about their New Years kiss and end up drunkenly mauling each other; slamming faces together like two crash test dummies upon impact and making out so hard that it reminds you of a dementor sucking out Harry Potter’s soul.

FIN

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Comments
  1. Sue Tolles says:

    sounds like every New Years Eve party I’ve be to.

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