There’s a problem in this country.  I’m not talking about the bloated, carcass of an economy or the growing political rift between rich white guys and. . .well, rich white guys.  No, no, no.  I’m not “phunking with you heart.”  This is serious.  As serious as a woman who calls herself “the Duchess” urinating all over herself while gyrating about onstage.

With un-clever names like Fergie, Taboo, apl.de.ap, and will.i.am there is no doubt that this group s.uck.s.  With more punctuation in their group than lyrical ability, the Black Eyed Peas have gone from a socially conscious, mildly respected hip-hop group to an international sensation.

And I hate them.

And they’re now going to do their damnedest to sully one of the best events our great country has to offer.  That’s right.  The Black Eyed Peas are going to be bringing their vegetable-loving asses to the Super Bowl halftime show.

They’ll be bringing their “Pac-Man” soundtrack-on-steroids-sounding music, pumping audio-feces out into a crowd of 80,000.  They’ll be spitting their hot lyrics, which sound like something that they dug out of Dr. Seuss’ “rejection” pile.  Oh, and don’t forget that they’ll be bringing their 88 different wardrobe changes that make them look more like The Village People than a legitimate rap group.

Now, I’m not saying that the Super Bowl Halftime show is some sacred, holier-than-thou kind of event.  They have to find groups that appeal to a mass audience.  And let’s be perfectly clear: they’re the Ryan Howard of entertainment; they strike out about as much as they hit home runs.

In recent memory the shows have been good-not-great, and to be honest I don’t remember them all.  I don’t watch the game for the spectacle — I watch for the football — but I’m also not one of those purists who can’t have a little fun with all the hype and glamor that is the Superbowl. 

You may be saying to yourself at this point, “But wait, the Black Eyed Peas wouldn’t be the worst halftime show ever.  Would they?”

While I still wake up with cold chills running through my veins and uncontrollable spasms brought on by being forced to endure the closeups of Mick Jagger, shaking his old, heroin-scarred arms wildly in the night air, dancing around in a child-medium-sized tee and showing more mid-riff than a girl on “Maury: My Tween Is Out Of Control” I firmly believe that the Black Eyed Peas’ show might be worse than that.

will.i.am, while a talented producer, needs to head back to the booth.  Or the library to grab a thesaurus.  Immediately.  Apl.de.ap, who most people don’t even remember as being in the group, is much better at getting new-age afro-hawks that look like bootleg versions of Mr. T’s barber’s handiwork than holding an audience of millions in his hands.  Fergie, the star with the aforementioned bladder control issues, is a terrific singer but lacks the rapping skills to legitimately claim to be an MC.

Which leaves me with Taboo.  Yeah, there actually is one more member of the group.  He’s the one that blends into the background like a human version of the “Predator.”  This group member is only fascinating because of two things: 1.  He’s R.U. (racially unidentifiable) and 2.  Oh, wait. . .that was it.  He usually comes out and dances around, whipping his long mane of hair around like Willow Smith, hits a few backup vocals and goes chameleon, fading out into the set.

I know that the Black Eyed Peas are a big deal to a lot of people.  What I’m saying is, they shouldn’t be.  Their hooks are simple, paint-by-number affairs, that any honky in a karaoke bar could rap along to with equal skill, they get overplayed so much that I find myself longing for some Katy Perry.  Almost.

I’m ready for the Black Eyed Peas to get put back underground; buried like their name sake in 6 feet of dirt.  Looks like the only way the halftime show at the Superbowl will be tolerable is if we all get super-drunk.  Someone pass me a 4Loko.

FIN

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Comments
  1. Sue Tolles says:

    I always consider half time as a chance to get food, drink, or go to the bathroom. The men in my family consider half time as a chance to check other games. Even when attending the game, I wish the wasn’t a half time. The players need the break not the fans.

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