We’ve all been there.  It’s late, we’re worn down from another busy day of putting off Homework until after Monday Night Football, and we’re looking for some kind of boost.  Some of us would make a run through the hippy-laden, dreadlocked masses, inevitably having to suffer through acoustic guitar sessions or slam poetry open mic night at their local coffee house to get their hands on some of the coveted caffeine provided by a strong cup of coffee or cappuccino.  Others would make a run to their local Kum and Go, wondering all the while about why the company wouldn’t see fit to de-perv their store name, and get a 64-ounce big gulp of Mountain Dew or Pepsi.  Others still would slip into the night, rolling deep in their whips down to the local corner and score some of “that ya-yo shit” to be snorted down with a rolled up single dollar bill.  What has become a new trend, however, in our generation in particular is the imbibing of “energy drinks.”

Bear with me here, I know the Coke reference was a bit much and I apologize to any would-be slam poets out there.  Each of these scenarios is fairly possible, albeit unlikely in the case of the cocaine dealer, but what I have seen in recent media coverage and in vending machines and gas stations all over Nebraska shows proof that the business of keeping us buzzing is booming.  With reports on Wikipedia (*Author’s Note: The best reference tool on the planet, according to Wikipedia, and also the only one that I could find any kind of concrete statistics on energy drinks.) claiming that energy drink sales in the U.S. alone account for $10 Million dollars it’s no surprise to see more and more options and brands popping up all the time.

With catchy, tweenage-seducing brand names like Rockstar, Monster, and even crazier names like Red Rooster and my personal favorite Cocaine, it’s no wonder so many of our young people are giving these aggressively marketed, well-financed drinks a shot.  Hell, I’ll be the first to admit, I’ve pounded down a few in my day in an attempt to get fully “amped” up, but have found that as far as sticking to a strict regiment of terrible and body-destroying beverage consumption nothing can top my pure enjoyment of a tall, tall glass of Diet Mountain Dew.

The questions about these products remain shrouded in the dust of dirt bike races and in the shade of tall, scantily clad women showing off their cans as readily as the cans of energy drink they’re pushing.  I had to sit down and ask myself recently, what exactly is in an energy drink?  They all come with different stuff in them, that much I knew.  And they all had words in their ingredient labels that would lead me to dominate virtually any game of hangman, but honestly, who in the hell knows what Guarana is?  Anyone?

Guarana, as it turns out, is actually a naturally occurring ingredient found in the Amazon Basin and is particularly plentiful in Brazil.  Used in a great deal of energy drinks, along with its sidekick, Taurine– an amino acid that our body naturally produces– it was one of the only ingredients besides sugar that I could readily name without looking at the labels of energy drinks, Guarana’s fruit have double the level of caffeine of the average coffee bean.

So that these drinks are packed with caffeine is clear.  “We already know this, Chris.”  You might be saying.  “That’s why we drink the stuff, you idiot.”  I get that.  As I mentioned before, I too have a pop-drinking problem that would make me certifiably crazy, but products like Fixx Extreme, which provides a capital-punishment-sized jolt of 400 milligrams of caffeine in a .17 ounce energy shot, have taken this to a whole new level.

I’m not sure how many of you have seen the movie “Pulp Fiction,” but after Uma Thurman’s character overdoses on high-grade heroin she has to get a needle of adrenaline stabbed directly into her heart. I can’t imagine that doing a shot of Extreme would be much different.  The product claims that it is “for those who engage in serious exercise.”  Didn’t they spell “exercise” wrong?  Don’t they mean for “those who are engaging in an exorcism?”

Another thing to keep in mind while you’re chugging down some of 666 Energy’s “Virgin Sacrifice Cherry” or pounding down a shot of “Lucifer’s Lemonade” is that many of these energy shots are not FDA-approved.  Which means, my Satanic shot-lover that you may not be getting your 8,333% of your daily B-Vitamins that you thought you had coursing through your veins.  In fact, you may not have anything but a lot of sugar and a little water.  Without FDA approval, these drinks can have virtually anything in them.

Far be it from me to be hypocritical when I clearly have so many health issues regarding pop of my own, but the next time you’re lifting a man-can of an energy drink that has some “hard-core” name on it in neon green lettering and a picture of a skull and crossbones that looks more like it belongs on the side of a train or under a bridge than on something you’re going to ingest take a moment; pause between doing curls of 24 fluid ounces and think about what could actually be in these drinks.


  1. Schnizz says:

    hahaha, great video

  2. Glenn says:

    2 thumbs up

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