Sometimes all coaches sound the same.  They get to the podium, where they clearly don’t want to be, and answer questions, that they clearly don’t want to answer.  They spew out made up facts, or gnash their teeth at getting asked yet again about their quarterback situation.  Bo Pelini, head coach of the Nebraska Cornhuskers, is no different.  So I thought I’d break it down, and dissect the language of Pelini.  I’ll be your translator for some of the stuff that Bo has said recently so we can all be on the same page. 

Since I’m lazy, and this is in no way a legitimate news source, I’ll be quoting Pelini loosely so bear with me if I’m a little off on his quotations.

When asked about the Kansas series ending after 117 straight meetings Bo said he, “Didn’t care.”

While this was certainly politically incorrect, Bo has about as much grace as an enraged hippo on dry land and as much etiquette as a drunk frat boy waiting in line for his next keg stand.  He probably should have at least acknowledged that it was a long-standing rivalry and that it would be slightly missed. 

But, and here’s where it gets interesting, here’s what he said translated:

 “Oh, Kansas?  You mean the team we’ve been beating like a dirty rug since 1904?  The team that replaced an obese racist with a man whose biggest feats in athletics came wearing our uniform?  The same Kansas that we’ve owned at a 77% clip, which is coincidentally the same percentage of your football team that fought with your own basketball team last year?  That Kansas?  Yeah I’ll miss them.  I’ll miss them like I missed the nerdy kid in Dodgeball.”

When facing lesser opponents Bo often times seems extra disinterested with the media.  He often-times describes these opponents as, “Fundamentally sound, well coached, and good at executing their schemes.”

This is typical coach-speak dialect and Pelini isn’t alone in using it.  However, here’s what he said translated:

“I actually haven’t watched any of their game tape.  There’s been a really good “Bridezillas” marathon on and that is my show!  Besides, it’s not like I need to invest that much energy, thought, or time that could otherwise be spent owning fools in Bocce to break down game-tape of South Dakota State or Kansas right?”

Bo often says that he has, “3 quarterbacks that we feel we can win with.”

Bo may have started off the year feeling like he could start either Cody Green, Zac Lee, or Taylor Martinez it would seem that his confidence in Cody is shaken and Zac’s nursing an injury that Bo doesn’t seem to want to divulge so here’s translation of this quote:

“If Taylor Martinez isn’t healthy we’re screwed.  No seriously.  I haven’t slept in 2 weeks and all I do is look at doctor’s reports and MRI’s on ankles.  I haven’t seen so many ankles since I was 8 months old and crawling on the floor.  I’d rather run Rex Burkhead in “The Wildcat” so often that it becomes “The Completely Domesticated Housecat” than let Cody run free.”

When asked about his team’s lackluster performance at home against the Kansas Jayhawks Bo said, “I was really disappointed in the fans.  The atmosphere was dead.  It felt like a scrimmage.”

This quote has been discussed ad nauseam in the local media now and I’m not entirely sure what to make of it.  Pelini said it on his T.V. show, which everyone knows he hates.  Watching Pelini sit on the set with Greg Sharpe for “The Bo Pelini Show” is painful.  He squirms like a 2nd grader desperately in need of an afternoon recess and his answers are so short and un-inciteful that they make his press conferences look like a session with his shrink, pouring his heart out.

I’ll try not to get too in-depth with my analysis, but here’s Bo’s comments translated:

” I want everyone to cheer so loud when we’re on offense, gaining 2.2 yards per play, that we can’t get the signals in.  Since I personally didn’t give a damn about playing Kansas, and my players clearly picked up on that lacka-I-don’t-give-a-damn-daisical attitude about the crappy teams we played this year, I’ll take it out on the people who care about us the most.  Who cares if the game was boring, under-achieving offensively, and we kept our cards so close to our vest that they were surgically implanted inside Watson’s chest cavity?  The fans didn’t help out enough.”

Conclusion

Thanks for reading.  If this post wasn’t up to par, I blame my readers for not giving me a good enough atmosphere.

FIN

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Comments
  1. Sue Tolles says:

    I think Bo has the best “mean face” in the conference. Some times you need a coach with good sideline manners and sometimes you don’t. If you looked at T.O. on the sidelines, you couldn’t tell via facial expressions if we were ahead by 50, or behind by 24. I like the passion. Lets face it, they do ask stupid questions at times.

  2. madhat says:

    I didn’t know Bo had said that about the fans. That hurts my feelings. I was there and I’m always a loyal, cheering, whooping it up kind of fan. Not my fault, Bo, if you didn’t put enough points on the board to have the fans yelling more.

  3. Sh*t Pelini Says: Bo Pelini Translation Guide « Burnpoetry: A ……

    Here at World Spinner we are debating the same thing……

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