Fall Fashion Review (By a Completely Unfashionable Dude)

Posted: November 16, 2010 in Pop Culture
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Well, everyone, it’s that time of year fall fashion is in full swing.  As it shifts now to winter, I thought this would be a perfect time to review some of the trends, the clothes and the other accessories that leave us all in awe.

And who better to review these trendy, hot new items than yours truly;  the guy who considers dressing up to be putting on a polo shirt and who will more than likely wear hooded sweatshirts for the next month straight?  Who better to take a look at the bourgeoise fashionistas takes on what looks good and what looks better?

I’ve chosen to focus on the fashion of the males I’ve seen, and in particular, the dudes I’ve seen walking around campus.  Frankly, I know even less about women’s fashion than guys’ stuff and, to be even more frank, the only thing I really know about male fashion is that I like to wear clothes that are comfortable.  That’s it.

So, Ladies and Gentleman of Burnpoetry, here is my fall fashion review.

The V-Neck

The V-Neck has been growing in popularity in recent months.  At some point fairly recently it became fashionable to equip yourself with a loose-fitting, man-cleavage-revealing shirt.  I’m no scientist, but it seems there’s a direct correlation between depth of v-neck and amount of douchiness.

As in, if we can see any man-cleavage, bosom, and/or curvature or your scrawny, nasty pecs?  You’re probably a loser.

Those Shirts With The Straps On the Shoulders

I’m sure there’s a far catchier name for these trendy new tees.  But the shirts I’m talking about have blown up recently both on-campus and at bars.  I’m not entirely sure that I understand the appeal of these either.  Do you need the straps to hook onto your parachute for when you paratroop into enemy lines?  Are you awaiting your 3rd star for your service as a Brigadier General in the 35th Army of A-holes?

Any fashion that appears to have a direct tie to the Boy Scouts would seem contradictory to what should be in fashion.  You don’t see too many people stitching on their “Fire-Making” badge onto their shirts or wearing those flamingly ridiculous neckerchief-ties that Boyscouts have to rock.

While you may think that the shoulder-straps on that sweet new shirt you just bought from American Eagle makes you a member of the in-crowd, it actually makes you look more like a member of the SS.

The Halfway Beanie

I love beanies.  They keep your head warm, hide the fact that I’m going grey faster than George Clooney (at least according to my girlfriend’s delicate analysis), and allow me to hide my terrible bed head when I don’t have time, or the dedication to personal hygiene necessary, to take a shower.

But this once-trustworthy, utility player has now been twisted, turned and corrupted.  The once tight bands in these hats have now been loosened, they have been pushed back further on hipster heads and now are popularly seen bunched in the back as if the wearer were sporting more dreads than Lil Wayne.

These hats are so precariously loose and pushed so far back, looking like clothed-up-worn-down shower caps of old-women-yesteryear, that I am repeatedly forcing down my urges to pull them off with a brush of my little finger.  A stiff Northern breeze could easily sweep these hats off from their grease-maned perches and I find myself hoping for wind more often than not.

Which Leads Me To. . .Skinny Jeans

My very passionate, very ignored-by-everyone-on-the-planet battle against the blight that is skinny jeans is well documented by my blog.  However these jeans, often times going hand-in-hand with the aforementioned v-necks, have continued to rear their ugly, too-tight heads in the fashion world.

Why any man would want to sport pants so tight that they show a silhouette of his package is beyond me.  They can’t be comfortable, for either the wearer or the people subjected to them, and yet they keep appearing; groping more male thigh than a rock groupie.

The only saving grace of these jeans as that they usually skateboard right past me.  Guys simply shouldn’t wear any article of clothing that they have to peel off unless it’s some kind of athletic uniform.  All those old movies, where the girls have to use pliers to get their jeans on because they’re so tight, have become a reality for dudes everywhere.  Suddenly, Leatherman’s aren’t just for hunting anymore. . .they’re for getting on your pants.

FIN

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Comments
  1. Sue Tolles says:

    you didn’t mention the low-riding pants, I’m tired of seeing stranger’s boxers. What about bills of ballcaps worn off center…really dumb. I’m interested in what you think of female fashion, just some of them.

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