BCS Rankings of Horror Movie Clichés

Posted: October 27, 2010 in Pop Culture, Sports
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

(*Author’s Note: I know this is another Halloween oriented post but, c’mon people, ’tis the season.)

The BCS is in the front of every sports fan’s mind.  It is, ultimately, flawed.  However, it is also all that we have.  At this current date, the only thing that somehow manages to wrestle my mind away from this world of BCS, strength of schedule and NCAA lingo is the world of the continuous horror movies on television.  So that got me to thinking, what if there was some kind of a rating system, that placed the horror movie clichés into the “proper” order.  Being the mathematician that I am, and utilizing the tactics that I learned in acing my way to a “C in my last college math course, I decided that I would crunch some numbers and come up with the first “BCS of Horror.”

#1.  If You “Do It”, You Die.

This perennial powerhouse finds itself atop the initial poll.  Long ago, when the pollsters first developed the idea to have a BCS formula, “If You ‘Do It’ You Die” was cited as an almost certain favorite.  It has become common-place to see it at, or near, the top in virtually all the statistical categories of slasher movies.  Let’s face it: if you whip it out you’re probably getting hacked into pieces.  Having been highly ranked throughout most of the viewing audiences lifetimes, don’t look for this cliché to go anywhere anytime soon.

“If You” has quality win points after killing off such big names as Kevin Bacon in “Friday the 13th,” Paris Hilton in “House of Wax,” and Johnny Depp in “Nightmare on Elm Street.”

With a top-notch strength of schedule, the “If You ‘Do It’ You Die” squad is tops in all of the horror BCS as they have seen action in “Halloween,” “Friday the 13th,” and a number of other big box office, high-quality flicks.

#2.  Toke Up and Booze Up at Your Own Risk

Another storied program, the “Toke Up and Booze Up”s had a brief fall from grace during the “war on drugs” but has re-emerged as a new-age force to be reckoned with.  It seems that the only serial killers, maniacal monsters, and forces of pure and insatiable evil hate more than two kids “hitting it” is two wasters “taking bong hits.”  Perhaps the “Just Say No Program” has their PSA’s of the future in utilizing game footage of this team in action.

In the same conference as “If You ‘Do It'” they have the same strength of schedule.  However, in a head-to-head battle early in the horror-movie season, the apparent lack of nudity featured by this cliché has led many voters to steer clear of it.

#3.  The Slow-Moving Killer

Critiqued by many experts for its utter lack of speed, this bruising program manages to finish at or near the top of the standings every year.  In so many movies, the killer creeps along at a staggeringly slow pace.  It is this safe, un-flashy philosophy that loses this scheme so many style points with voters today.  However, when chasing the slow, often-times boozed up (see: #2) or sex-legged (see: #1) victims they inevitably catch them in short order.

The strength of schedule for “Slow-Moving” has taken a hit in recent years, as it has fallen out of favor and plays in the particularly weak conference of “80’s Horror Movies Only.”

#4.  The Killer is Always the Nicest Character

This small-time program has made a big name for itself in recent years.  Considered by many to be the best cliché in the business, it still lacks a lot of the big name victories and strength of schedule of many of the traditional slasher films.  However, there has been a resurgence in the “Killer is Always Nicest” in recent years and it ranks #1 in the all-important “making girls wonder if they’re actually dating slashers” statistic by a large margin.

This team has left many people wondering if perhaps they are too good to be true, much like the cliche that has given the team its name.  In recent years it has been known to cause many a movie-goer to shout out an unsolicited “I KNEW it!”

With a relatively weak strength of schedule, being featured frequently in made for T.V. movies and as “Movie of the Week” on the WE network it does have a recent quality win in the remake of “The Stepfather.”

#5.  Killer With a Mask

This program hails from the same staunch conference as many of the other clichés on this list.  Having a major victory early on in the program’s creation, “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” as its signature win, a recent overtime victory with “The Strangers” and with re-makes of “Halloween,” and “Friday the 13th” in the works this cliché looks to keep on cruising.

Whether running it’s plays from the Hockey Mask formation, the Leatherface read option, or the Michael Myers’ Creepy Ass Shotgun formation, this program should be a force to be reckoned with for years to come.


  1. madhat says:

    What about The Girl Always Falls Down When Trying to Run Away play? Or the I Always Go Down/Up Into the Unlit Basement/Attic ALONE move? And, of course, there’s always the No Matter How Many Times You Kill the Bad Guy He/It Still Gets Up and Comes After You – for consideration on list.

  2. Sue Tolles says:

    how true

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