Where You at, Vh-1?

Posted: September 24, 2010 in Pop Culture
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

With certain channels we expect certain programming.  With the SyFy channel we expect to see any number of terrible movies with budgets lower than most home videos and a network that can’t even spell their own genre correctly.  With ESPN we clearly expect sports.  Vh-1, which has become synonymous in my mind with a fall lineup of awesomely bad television is slipping this season.  They just can’t seem to find anything low rent enough, trashy enough or Brett Michaels enough for me.

Sure there’s “Real and Chance, Legend Hunters,” a show in which the two idiotic brothers originally of “I Love New York” fame run around the country doing crap that scares them.  I tuned in for a few worthless minutes the other day and found my interest waning almost immediately.  So I though, “why not come up with a few solutions to Vh-1’s programming doldrums?”

Here, submitted for your approval, are a few show ideas for my favorite trash T.V. network:

“Is ‘The Juice’ Worth The Squeeze: O.J. Takes a Stab at Love”

This can’t miss reality show would pit 12 women and 4 fellow inmates against one another to try to win O.J. Simpson’s love.  Why O.J.?  Because he’s a murderer, a multi-conviction felon, and my favorite punchline in the world.  The women would be allowed an hour a week to try to woo O.J. through the phone and through visits to him behind bars.  His fellow inmates would have yard time and municipal shower time to attempt to lure O.J. into a prison love.

Contestants on the show would be whittled down and the show would end with O.J. getting a conjugal visit to try to close the deal.  However just to spice things up in the weekly challenges, all the women would be required to wear shank-proof vests 24/7 and O.J. would be given a shorter length of rope for his soap each week.

Miley Meltdown: The Countdown to Skankhood

Miley Cyrus first burst onto the scene as an irrepressible and, much to my disgust, an unavoidable figure in the pop culture world.  Her father is Billy Ray Cyrus, yes the guy with the mullet, tight jeans and worst song of all time “Achy Breaky Heart” and her multiple clothing lines and mini-empire now pervade my every day life all-too-much.

As she’s grown into the weird tweenage years she decided to follow in the footsteps of other artists that grew up before our very eyes.  In other words: she’s going crazy.  While her song’s have somehow become popular with idiotic girls the nation over, they have become more racy, sexual and Britney-esque. 

This show would be a reality show with a ticking clock in the corner for when Miley has a full on mental breakdown, shaves her head, and ends up dating Jack Nicholson.  The show would culminate, I can only hope, with her father receiving shock treatment from a demented nurse and Miley going mute.

Tiger Woods: Marriage Counselor

This zany show would feature one Eldrick Woods, non-M.D., as he seeks to repair the lives of couples that are fighting.  His advice will begin with his trademark phrase spoken to the woman in the relationship: “Trust me. . .he could be worse,” and then he would follow it up with his other trademark phrase: “By the way. . .didn’t we sleep together?”

Tiger would seek to bring his wooden, abrasive personality into a situation that is already rife with tension and the results would be both hilarious and awful.  Kind of like if “Intervention” was hosted by Chris Rock.

Speaking of “Intervention”. . . . . . . .

BenTervention: Ben Roethlisberger’s Guide to Dating

Ben Roethlisberger, the almost-rapist and kinda-sexual assaultist would be put into a house with a group of clueless nerds looking to find love.  He would inform them in the first pilot episode that you don’t, in fact, need to look for love.  You need to force it to come to you with lots of liquor and body guards that are intimidating.

This show would culminate with any of the house-mates that aren’t in prison being crowned the winner and being allowed to do beer bongs with the Steelers’ QB.

Fat People Exercising. . .Oh, and Midgets Too

This wild new reality show would feature something that apparently the public at large never tires of: fat people trying to not be fat, and midgets doing. . .whatever the hell they want except being smaller than us while doing it.  It would be completely random shots of obese people running on treadmills and midgets lifting weights.

Does this show sound terrible?  Yes.  Is Bravo/Discovery/Any other network probably already producing something just like it?  Yes.  Midgets and fat people are like meth for studio executives at major networks and Vh-1 is certainly no different.

So that should do it.  Now you’ve got a few ideas, Vh-1, and I expect some royalty checks to start rolling in when you produce one, or all of these cultural gems.


  1. Sue Tolles says:

    funny, but too close to possible or probable

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