There has been a good deal of talk lately about Reggie Bush having his Heisman Re-Possessed.  Bush, despite his claims to the contrary, was definitely more crooked than a politician during prohibition.  With the potential that a d-bag like Reggie is going to have to give back something that was important to him, it got me to thinking: what if other people, that didn’t deserve their awards/trophies/stuff were forced to give them back. 

What if I was a one-man Repo-Depot, tasked with getting back things given to the undeserved?

1.  Force Michigan to Give Back Their AP National Championship Trophy From ’97.

We know Michigan didn’t deserve that trophy.  They were the vikings of 1997, looting awards ceremonies, pillaging lesser foes, and sailing out to sea on a wave of undeserved hype  before anyone could stop to say, “Hey, wait a sec. . .”

The Coaches knew Michigan didn’t deserve a National Championship Trophy.  They voted that honor to the true national champs.  Somehow, blinded by the hype machine that was in full force at Michigan, the media erroneously awarded Michigan the “National Championship” for 1997 after the Wolverines squeaked out a win 21-16 beating up on a Ryan Leaf-lead patsy, in the highly overrated #8 team in the country.

The Huskers played the #3 team in the country, lead by Peyton Manning, and simply dominated from the start of the game, winning 42-17.  The guys wearing headsets voted right.  The guys wearing glasses with tape in the middle and pushing pencils voted wrong.

2.  Take Away Diablo Cody’s Oscar for “Juno.”

In 2008 Cody won an Oscar for “Juno,” a movie about how funny it is to be pregnant when you’re a kid.  It involved weaving, inane dialogue by Ellen Page, and lot’s of “this reference is so clever you’ll have to google it just to fully understand it” moments.  Michael Cera did what Michael Cera does, playing an awkward, nerdy guy.

 (*Author’s Note: is anyone else tired of seeing Cera play the same bumbling, awkward dude in every single movie?  Seriously, is it me or are there less awkward, nerdy guys on the planet than Michael Cera has portrayed?  Jesse Eisenberg thinks that Cera should give another role a try.)

Cody’s writing made me want to leave and demand for my money back.  Since I received tickets for free, through a contest online, I nearly demanded an empty, blank sheet of paper be given to me by the box office.  By the 3rd snide, indifferent comment made by the 16-year-old Juno character, I was openly rooting for her to give birth to the anti-christ so that it would destroy her.

Give back the award, Cody.  Or Diablo.  Or whatever the hell you want to call yourself.  You beat “Ratatouille” and now you’re rich.  Just give it back and head back to working the pole.

3.  Eddie George Should Give Back His Hesiman

George wasn’t a cheater.  He didn’t take enough under-the-table-money to make Al Capone blush like Bush.  But he did win the Heisman trophy in 1995.  He beat out Tommie Frazier in a decision that still pains many Nebraska fans to this day.  Frazier was one of the best collegiate QB’s of all time, playing on what I firmly believe was the greatest college football team in history. 

He accounted for nearly 2,000 yards and 31 TD’s and gave the Heisman voters a special, bowl-game edition of “F-U, Voters” by completely ravaging the #2 team in the country to the tune of 304 total yards and 3 TD’s.

His lasting impact during this time period, however, did not come on the field.  It was in, in-arguably, the best pre-game rap of all time.

Frazier, always a class act, did not turn the Tupac-like flow into a diss track, but rather remained humble despite his obvious skills on the mic.

4.  North Dakota State Should Give Turner Gill Back His Manhood

I like Turner Gill.  I hate Kansas.  I was prepared to root for Turner in only the smallest of ways.  However, on Saturday his team lost to North Dakota State.  I’m not sure whether to laugh or cry.  Gill arrived a highly-touted offensive guru and was viewed by many in Kansas as a new-age savior for a program left with a very foul, very fatty, taste in their mouth after Mangino waddled away from the program into an all-you-can-eat, forced retirement.

Gill promptly guided his team to a 6-3 loss to a program that’s more Dakota Fanning than defense.  Somehow Gill’s offense vanished like David Copperfield waved a magic wand over it.   There are t-ball games played by blind kids that are higher scoring than that.  Gill, who was hired by the atheltic director that just left could quickly find himself on a thank-god-the-coach-before-me-turned-out-to-be-the-worst-human-being-ever-or-I’d-already-be-in-career-trouble hot seat.  A lot of hyphens to say this:  North Dakota should give Gill back his manhood or else he might be in some trouble soon.



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