The F-Up at Fed-Ex: Boise State V.S. VA Tech

Posted: September 7, 2010 in Sports
Tags: , , , , , , ,

As I was stuck at work on this lovely Labor Day, laboring was the furthest thing from my mind.  I was able to put my feet up on a desk, turn the T.V. up and watch the Boise State V.S. Virginia Tech game.  Here were my thoughts as they happened.

Pre-Game:

I turn on the game just in time to catch a Dr. Pepper commercial.  I would’ve rather turned it on to watch a live, in-office vasectomy.  Dr. Pepper commercials are in that elite level of awful that only Geico’s stupidity can hang with.  I’m not sure if they combed the streets of Los Angeles’ homeless population to find the most methed out junky to run their ad campaigns, or if they just pulled some B-list celebrity names out of a hat.

Michael Strahan, who somehow has gained a pseudo-celebrity, is onscreen flapping his tusk-like incisors at me.  I begin to hope that he’ll be attacked by poachers looking to re-finish their baby-grand piano.  Unfortunately that doesn’t happen.  What does happen is that moments later Gene Simmons comes on, flanked by midgets to hype up Dr. Pepper.  Again.

There’s nothing I like less than Gene Simmons as a person, except Gene Simmons as an advertising guru.  Kiss hasn’t been cool since they took their face-paint off in 1983 and people realized they were just a bunch of ugly dudes that had been scoring women based on musical ability alone.  Simmons, who is famous for being a walking gonorrhea infection after reportedly having sex with some 10,000 women, is a veritable fly-paper for communicable diseases.  If you share a Dr. Pepper with him, the only thing you’re guaranteed of is a raging case of herpes.

If there had been a mere 11 seconds more of Gene Simmons, I feel certain the T.V. would’ve contracted V.D.  Just when I feel that there’s never been a worse on-screen duo than Simmons and Strahan, ESPN goes live to their studios for the pre-game festivities.

Enter Lou Holtz and Mark May.  May’s the most famous Husker hater in a notoriously bias and anti-Husker media.  If Husker fans hate Mack Brown like he is Adolph Hitler, they hate Mark May like he’s Bin Laden.  Lou Holtz, who shared a crib with Methusela, immediately starts slobbering all over the camera lens.  He’s so feeble and ancient that I worry that his leathery skin will peel right off, like a poorly made jacket from the movie “Grease”, when the light from the set hits it.

Holtz and May fumble around on camera, with May’s fake glasses glinting off of Holtz’s dentures.  I attempt not to throw the T.V. out into the interstate.

I mentally set the over/under on the times Boise State’s victory against Oklahoma from years ago gets replayed like it’s pertinent to the game today at 7.  ESPN immediately plays the highlight package and I reset my over/under to 12.

Kickoff

Boise State enters the field looking incredibly badass in their all black uniforms.  I begin to fantasize about NU entering the stadium for the Texas game on October 16th in all black jerseys.  My blood runs cold, like a little girl finding a snake in her back yard, and I realize that all-black jerseys worn by the Blackshirts would scare the living piss out of anyone.

Virginia Tech comes out looking exactly like the team that’s gone 0-21 in road games against their opponents that are ranked in the top 20.  Technically this is a neutral field, but VA Tech runs out a fool-hardy kick return and then promptly fumbles.  Maybe all black jerseys aren’t as good as I had hoped for.

First Quarter

–  Kyle Brotzman kicks a 44 yarder.  Apparently the hepatitis C coursing through his veins from getting what appears to be a prison tat on his right bicep doesn’t effect his accuracy.  He nails it.

–  Boise State blocks a punt by VA Tech.  Swear Words can’t express my displeasure.

–  Kellen Moore throws a touchdown to a wide open wide receiver.  With 9:48 to go in the first quarter, Boise leads 10-0.  Thanks for nothing Frank Beamer.

–  Boise’s team has more tattoos than a Jesse James, Kat Von D sex tape.  And no, the link here doesn’t take you to a sex tape.  Don’t worry.

–  Just when VA Tech looked like they might have a little momentum, some idiot lights up the Boise punter then cheap shots another Boise player in the same play.  Brent Musberger confuses VA Tech with Texas Tech, and I feel like perhaps I mistook VA Tech for a top-10 program.

2nd Quarter

–  Va Tech crosses the 50.  For the first time in the game.

–  Musberger and Herbstreit have climbed onto a two-man soapbox, demanding that BCS voters pay attention.

–  VA Tech finally scores.

–  I realize the only thing more annoying than a hopped-up-on-national-T.V.-coverage Herbstreit is the fact that Shia Lebeouf continues to find work in Hollywood.  Damn you, “Wall Street” remake.  Damn you.

–  Brotzman cans another field goal.  The camera zooms in tight and I can see his Redman stained teeth pull into a grin.  I can almost hear the banjos playing in the “Boise Backwoods Dental Hygienist” office.

–  Byron Hout gets penalized for a cheap shot.  Weird, since he’s so disciplined.

–  VA Tech misses a 34 yard field goal.  “Beamer Ball”, the vaunted special teams play of VA Tech’s head man, appears to be dead.

–  With 3:18 seconds into the game Boise fumbles.  I wonder if this is fate’s way of apologizing for the backhand to the mouth that was the first half.

–  With 58 seconds to go, VA Tech scores.  I am officially too excited.

–  2nd quarter ends.  I realize this post is way too long and that most people will quit reading after the 1st quarter.  I keep writing.

3rd Quarter

–  Kellen Moore’s pass gets broken up.  At least I think it was Kellen Moore.  I realize quickly that I have confused his face with the head of the mascot at least 3 times thus far.

–  Kellen Moore is stripped by his own teammate.  The teammate’s helmet comes off and his hair color can only be described as “Ron Weasley.”

– Boise runs into VA Tech’s kicker and defibrillates the Hokies.  They score the next possession.

–  Tyrod Taylor comes up limping at the end of the 3rd quarter.  I nearly piss my work khakis with fear.

4th Quarter

–  The teams yo-yo back and forth in a terrific battle of wills.

–  In the end, Mr. Ed puts together a nasty closing drive.  With all the speed of his mother, Seabiscuit, he leads the team down the field.  Like his cousin, War Admiral, he keeps his cool under pressure.

–  Musberger, who has repeatedly called Boise (the #3 team in the country) the underdogs, shouts out “Cinderalla Lives.”  I mentally wish him serious, hip-breaking health issues.

–  Boise State wins.

–  I look like an ass.

FIN

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Comments
  1. Schnizz says:

    As much as I hated the finish of that game, I’m now hoping for Boise to get to the national championship game and get a beat down like 40-6 from some other team.

  2. Hocking Hick says:

    No way Markie Mays hates the Huskers more than the Buckeyes.

    But I don’t think he’s ever written anything favorable about either one.

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