“The Last Exorcism?” I Really Hope That’s True.

Posted: August 30, 2010 in Pop Culture
Tags: , , , , ,

Released to theaters on August 27, 2010 Eli Roth’s newest, blood-drenched film claims that it will be “The Last Exorcism.”  I for one, hope that is exactly what this is.  I don’t have too big of a beef with Eli Roth, really, except that he often seems to get so sidetracked trying to gore up his movies.  Nothing like using mutilation, beheadings, and spurting blood to patch up any holes you might have in your scripts.  However, that’s besides the point in this instance.  My real problem with this latest release to the big screen is this:

How many exorcism movies are we going to be subjected to?

How many young, pretty 20-somethings are we going to be forced to watch twist themselves into ridiculous poses that not even Bela Karolyi could coach?  I’m so sick of seeing girls all twisted up into weird positions in movies that it no longer scares me at all.  It just makes me think of the summer Olympics and all the videos we see of the 7 year old Chinese girls being forced into gymnastic slavery.  Much has been made about the body bending of the latest “possessed” girl in the “Last Exorcism.”  I’m unimpressed.  I don’t give a damn if Gumby is starring in this latest attempt at horror.  Bend all you want.  I don’t care if you’re more twisted up than a soon-to-be-rat-tailed-towel.  It isn’t anything we haven’t seen before.

I can’t believe there’s still a market for exorcism movies at this point.  I figured by now it’d been done so often that any director/writer/producer would go into a studio with another assinine idea about a girl getting stole on by the devil and the studio head would hand them a DVD of “The Exorcist”, kick them in the ass, and send them on their way.

At this point even Satan is be bored with inhabiting the bodies of young women and making them do nasty shit.  There was literally nothing that these exorcism movies could do to shock us after the first movie.  Then they made 17 more. Then they made a few more.  “The Exorcist” is a horror classic.  You didn’t see “The Mona Lisa 2” or “Sistine Chapel 3: The Final Chapel” did you?  So why try to take something that’s so awesome and tweak it, then tweak it again, then re-package it and attempt to sell it once more.

The latest spin on the old classic is in the form of a fake-documentary.  There are usually 2 things that happen with these types of movies.  The documentary style, with shaky cameras and a more authentic feel, either makes the movie scarier or gives you a distinct sense of motion sickness.  There’s been a slew of these wobbly, poorly lit films since “Blair Witch Project” came out and turned a massive profit.

I’m not sure that this movie won’t be okay.  I highly doubt that it is anything good.  How could it be?  It’s a spin-off of a rip-off.  It would be like if “Joey” had another spin-off which then spawned a sequel.  Does that sound good?

I need an old priest & a young priest… and my friggin’ money back for the robbery that occurs every time I buy into the possibility that maybe, just maybe the “new exorcism” movie won’t be total crap.  Not this time.  I’m just gonna keep re-watching “The Exorcist” and screaming to myself, “OOOOHHHHH” every time I see one of the classics all over again.  Honestly, Satan’s probably getting tired of all the face time.

At this point the only possession most people give a damn about anymore is re-possession by their banks.  Can’t cure being broke w/ holy water, can you?  So save yourself some cash and avoid going to a movie thats plot-line is as original as karaoke.  There was Regan from “The Exorcist”, Emily Rose from “The Exorcism of Emily Rose” and now the young Louisianan girl, Nell.  The devil’s been in more women than Tiger Woods.  Well, almost.  He can’t keep his trident in his pants.

Maybe the Devil will take a “hiatus” like Mel Gibson and we won’t be subjected to anymore cinematic versions of “The Cleveland Show”.  Let’s hope that this really is the last exorcism.

FIN

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Comments
  1. Sue Tolles says:

    I can’t believe you wasted your time and money.

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