Back to School: A Whiny, I-Know-I’m-Lucky-For-The-Opportunities-Provided-To-Me Report.

Posted: August 26, 2010 in Pop Culture
Tags: , , , , , , ,

Ahhhh!  Back in college.  Or as the pompous, rich-dudes in their tweed blazers like to call it: academia.  Smell that sweet, sweet air of beered up frat boys mingling with nervous freshman girls wearing a quart of Paris Hilton’s latest fragrance.  A place where history isn’t a channel but a class that you’ll be required to take even though you don’t give a shit about Russia pre-1819.  Let the sights wash over you: some dirty kid, thinking that it’s cool to be dirty since he’s in college now where everyone is allegedly accepted, some 90-year-old professor taking an osteoporosis-laced skateboard ride across campus to try to get more attention, or some computer that’s literally right next to me as I type, that has been frozen out from what appears to be 4 windows full of porn downloaded on it.  I’m not kidding.  About any of those statements.

Do I know that college isn’t a right, that it’s a privelege.  Yes.  Do I understand that at any time if I don’t want to go to college that no one’s technically forcing me?  Sure.  Will my mother undoubtedly remind me of all of this, and the shit-load of money that I owe her due to 5 years worth of schooling,  after she reads this post?  Hell yes.  That being said, I thought I’d write a little “back to school” post, Burnpoetry style.

It’s good to be back on campus here at the University of When the Hell Does Football start.  I’ve missed the 600 dollar student fees that keep our toilets automatically flushing,the  T.V’s that are inexplicably 56-inch-plasmas, flatter than a P-90x “after” photo models’ abs, and the professors that are really, really excited to espouse their political views unsolicited.  I’ve missed the grass that we aren’t supposed to walk on even though we f-ing pay for it and the parking services employees foaming at the mouth to give me a ticket if I’m more than 11 seconds late to re-plug the meters.  Unless my student fees go straight to the “stripper tour guides that show around all big-name football recruits” fund or the “Bo Pelini Anger Management” class, then I want my money back. Ahhh!  College.

It’s terrific living the life of a student, though.  The responsibilities are small, the classes are fewer and farther between than in High School and you can study what you want. I’ll give you that, college.  But, holy hell. . .the book prices.  Thankfully the book store on campus has decided to go with the newer method of “renting textbooks.”  This is cheaper for students in the way that a BMW is cheaper than a Ferrari.  All I want is a Hyundai.  Pound for pound, weed from “Chico” the dealer on the corner of 27th and O street is cheaper to get a hold of than a tiny book on the English language.  Both the ganja and the “Strunk and White Elements of Style” book leave you dazed, lazy, and wishing that you had a bag of Cheetos nearby for comfort food.

I have to be honest, I’d rather do PCP than format in MLA at this point.  I’d Rather get waterboarded by Dick Cheney’s thugs than spend another hour making a journal about my experiences in a 200 level course.  So as I get ready to borrow more money to pay for 15 books in one class, and to pay a graduation application fee just to f—ing graduate from this place, I just remember how much fun it will be to sidle up to the girl wearing a Snoopy shirt with matching, Charlie Brown socks and hunker down for some serious group-work/discussion about how writing brings us all together in a close-knit, campus community.

That’s really all I have.  Just a whiny, self-indulgent, yes-I-know-how-lucky-I-am-so-shut-up-about-it, blog post.  As I read this, and listen to the 3 guys sitting behind me being paid to work on 1 computer by a horribly mismanaged budget that’s supposedly run by “intellectuals”, I can’t help but take a deep, 2.I’manidiot GPA breath and say: Ahhhh!  College.


  1. Sue Tolles says:

    college is a speed bump on the way to where you want to go. What’s next? Work, for the next 40 years. School’s great….. you know it is better than working at Runza for the next 40 years.

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