THURSDAY November 11, 2010

Chris Hatch, famed idiot savant and writer of Burnpoetry, gets a calendar, looks at it and bangs his head into a wall.  Realizing that his “Fantasy Football Part 1” piece was as inaccurate as an O.J. Simpson testimony he goes back and re-writes it for his 7 fans.

On this same day, Brett Favre announces he is tired of riding the Omaha Nighthawks’ bench behind Joe Ganz and will be returning to the NFL.

Sunday November 14, 2010

The New York Jets lose to the Cleveland Browns.  Bill Callahan is caught on camera sobbing uncontrollably, and popping 4 Vicodin.  The announcers compare his crumbling career to the movie “2012.”  He is summarily sent to rehab after being bombarded by F-Bombs from Rex Ryan and batteries thrown from section 234 in the upper deck.

Saturday November 20, 2010

The Huskers continue the season’s unbeaten streak and rise to #4 in the polls.  Jared Crick dribbles Jerrod Johnson’s head on the turf like a basketball.  Huskers win in a surprisingly tough game 27-20.

During the late game, USC loses its 5th game of the season.  Lane Kiffin resigns from the team after TMZ spots him mainlining heroin in a trendy L.A. nightclub with Lindsay Lohan and Amy Winehouse.  He becomes Bill Callahan’s roommate in the rehab facility.

Wednesday November 24, 2010

Nick Saban sucker punches an agent attempting to talk to Mark Ingram.  Ingram, attempting to protect the agent that has been giving him 20 grand a month for the last year, knees Saban in the groin and is kicked off the team.

Friday November 26, 2010

Dan Hawkins’ squad rolls into Lincoln on a 7 game losing streak.  The roll out with an 8 game losing streak and on their 3rd string quarterback.  Hawkins and Bo Pelini meet mid-field after the game after exchanging angry words in the media the entire day before the game.  They arm wrestle in front of a standing-room-only Memorial Stadium crowd and Pelini breaks his wrist.

Saturday November 27, 2010

ESPN reports that negotiations between the players union and the owners is worse than ever.  During tough, tense moments in the boardroom, Diddy apparently keeps shouting “Bad Boy, baby!” in Jerry Jones’ hearing aids.  A lockout looms large.

Monday November 29, 2010

Peyton Manning throws 5 TD’s in the Monday Night Football game against the Cardinals.  Matt Leinart, still recovering from his night of beer bonging with college girls, throws 2 picks and yacks on the sideline in high-definition.

December 4, 2010

Nebraska wins their last Big 12 Championship title ever.  By shit-stomping Bob Stoops.  Bo cements his legacy as the biggest pimp in Youngstown, Ohio’s history and gives a rousing speech on the daius erected for the title celebration.  His first sentence is pure poetry and becomes known as the Beebe blast.  “Bend over Dan Beebe,” Bo screams while gesticulating wildly with the trophy.  “Bend over!”

Saturday December 11, 2010

In a shocking verdict, the Downtown Athletic Club decides that they will give Ndamukong Suh the 2010 Heisman trophy.  The reasoning behind their decision?  “We screwed him last year.”  Suh graciously accepts his award.

Thursday December 16, 2010

Coaching legend Joe Paterno reveals to the world in a press conference that he is, in fact, still alive.  He has been swimming in a pool at his retirement home inhabited by an alien Cocoon, which has given him great new powers and longevity.  Paterno announces he will be back and better then ever in 2011.  He then promptly dies on the spot.

Wednesday December 22, 2010

Blaine Gabbert reveals to the public that after getting his ass kicked by a girl he picked up a crack-habit that would make Whitney Houston look like Mother Theresa.  He checks into rehab with Callahan and Kiffin.

Thursday December 23, 2010

In a sure-fire sign that justice does exist in the universe, an asteroid crashes into a rehab facility in California where Kiffin, Callahan, and Gabbert are all attempting to figure out how to play checkers together.  I count this as an early Christmas/birthday present to myself.

Sunday January 2, 2010

Brett Favre is sacked 3 times by soon-to-be pro-bowler Ndamukong Suh.  Suh hits favre so hard he knocks the grey out of his stubble.  Favre, seen drinking “Ensure” on the sidelines instead of gatorade, shocks everyone by retiring mid-play when he realizes he’s about to be blind-sided by Suh.  He uses his walker to exit the field and heads off to begin work on stamp-collecting like all retirees.

Monday Jaunuary 10, 2010

Nebraska defeats the ridiculously overrated, horrendously outmatched pansies of Boise State.  The Broncos, having only won a few important games the entire year, were again over-rated by morons who forgot what a terrible, terrible, conference they play in.  Nebraska wins 62-10.  Boise’s program declares that they will never again leave their home state of Idaho in search of competition.

Tuesday January 11, 2010

Bo Pelini neglects all other media outlets and gives Burnpoetry a completely exclusive, un-edited for swearwords, interview.  It.  Is.  Awesome.

Sunday February 6, 2010

My fantasy football year comes to a smashing conclusion.  Peyton Manning leads the 49ers to the promised land, announces he will re-sign with the team for the remainder of his career, and Eminem, Lil’ Wayne, and AC/DC collaborate for the half-time show.

FIN

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Comments
  1. madhat says:

    Jan. 11, Feb. 6 – my favorites.

  2. Sue Tolles says:

    very very funny! my favorites were Dec. 10th and Jan 2nd

  3. […] absurdly long, 2-part piece that was about “fantasy” football.  Here’s part I.  And here’s part II.  I wasn’t talking about dweebs crunching numbers before their fantasy draft […]

  4. […] absurdly long, 2-part piece that was about “fantasy” football.  Here’s part I.  And here’s part II.  I wasn’t talking about dweebs crunching numbers before their fantasy draft […]

  5. […] long, 2-part piece that was about “fantasy” football.  Here’s part I.  And here’s part II.  I wasn’t talking about dweebs crunching numbers before their fantasy draft […]

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