With football season fast approaching, one phrase is on the lips of many people.  Fantasy football.  Fantasy football is a numbers-based, stat-nerd-wet-dream that allows guys like me that can’t get enough of football to delve ever deeper into their obsession with the sport.  However, I thought I’d bring my own unique twist to the term “Fantasy Football.”  What would my true “fantasy” season look like for 2010?  Let’s take a look.

Friday August 20, 2010

Quarterback Brett Favre, always tabbed as a practical joker, pulls the biggest one-man episode of “Punk’d” and tells Brad Childress and the entire state of Minnesota, “Psych, ya’ll.”  I’ll be taking my services to Omaha to play alongside my old teammate Ahman Green for the Omaha Nighthawks.

Thursday September 2, 2010

USC loses to Hawaii 28-14.  A sideline camera catches Lane Kiffin doing a line of coke and chasing it down with Jack Daniels straight from the bottle.

Friday September 3, 2010

Bo Pelini announces that Zach Lee will start, but that all 3 quarterbacks will receive snaps during the Western Kentucky game.

Saturday September 18, 2010

Jake Locker is sacked 7 times, picked off by Prince Amukamara and the Huskers make Steve Sarkisian their bitch.  Bo goes to shake hands with Locker, but Locker’s so delirious from the beating that he accidentally tries to kiss Bo on the cheek.  Bo drops him with a swift left hook that goes unnoticed in the post-game pandemonium.

Tuesday September 28, 2010

New York Jets offensive line coach Bill Callahan is picked up by police for soliciting prostitution.  From a dude.

Sunday October 3, 2010

After the 49ers start their season 3-0, they beat Atlanta in week 4.   Scott McCloughlin, the 49ers GM, is spotted in an exclusive florida nightclub after the game in a V.I.P. booth with Bill Polian, the Colts GM.

Thursday October 7, 2010

Nebraska defeats K-State 49-14.  Bill Snyder’s geriatric ass can be seen calling repeatedly to “Put Michael Bishop in!”  Erin Andrews breaks a story that Snyder has his own locker-room stash of Adult Pampers.

Friday October 15, 2010

When asked if he will continue rotating quarterbacks Bo simply smiles.  When pressed further he responds, “You’ll see.”

Saturday October 16, 2010

Nebraska debuts their “Trident” package.  The unprecedented offensive set, featuring all three Husker quarterbacks in the backfield at once, completely befuddles the vaunted Texas defense.  Texas Quarterback Garrett Gilbert is stymied by an amped up Blackshirt defense.  Bo Pelini calls a timeout with one second left and lets Alex Henery kick a 42 yard field goal.  Huskers win 32-17.

Sunday October 24, 2010

The Colts GM, Bill Polian, drinks an entire 5th of Ciroc Vodka while partying with P-Diddy in his week off.  Diddy, acting on confidential orders from 49ers upper management tricks Polian into agreeing to trade Peyton Manning for Alex Smith.

Monday October 25, 2010

Polian sobers up, realizes he’s traded away the franchise for one of the greatest busts in NFL history.  Diddy, per his secret agreement with the 49ers, becomes 49% owner of the team.  The NFL is agahst at the under-the-table dealings, but decides to not only honor the contract, but to hire Diddy as chief negotiator in the battle to prevent the impending 2011 lockout.

Saturday October 30, 2010

Nebraska defeats Missouri, scoring another 42 points behind the “Trident” formation.  Huskers win 42-13.

Sunday October 31, 2010

Blaine Gabbert, dressed up in his “Lindsay Lohan” Halloween outfit, loses another fight to his own “fans.”  He presses charges on the sorority girl that broke his nose and the Tigers’ season spirals out of control.

Sunday November 11, 2010

The 49ers, behind their new QB continue to win and are rapidly gaining steam as the “Dark-horse Favorites” to win the Superbowl.

TO BE CONTINUED. . .

Advertisements
Comments
  1. balladeer says:

    Pretty funny. We have the same kind of sense of humor.

  2. Sue Tolles says:

    I was hoping more trash talk about Bret Favre. Most of my women friends have changed their hair style fewer times than he’s retired. Chris you’re being to soft.

  3. […] led me to write an absurdly long, 2-part piece that was about “fantasy” football.  Here’s part I.  And here’s part II.  I wasn’t talking about dweebs crunching numbers before their […]

  4. […] led me to write an absurdly long, 2-part piece that was about “fantasy” football.  Here’s part I.  And here’s part II.  I wasn’t talking about dweebs crunching numbers before their […]

  5. […] led me to write an absurdly long, 2-part piece that was about “fantasy” football.  Here’s part I.  And here’s part II.  I wasn’t talking about dweebs crunching numbers before their […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s