I was watching an old school baseball game on ESPN Classic the other day and was immediately struck by 2 things.

1.  Damn, the uniforms were ugly back in the 1980’s.  Seriously, did doing cocaine make people color blind?  Some of the uniforms look like Liberace picked them out of his “rejects” pile.  However, this was not the part of the game that caught my attention the most.

2.  The hair.  And I’m not talking about the jerhi curls, mullets or afros peaking out from beneath the batting helmets.  I’m talking about the nasty, thick, chewing tobacco-stained facial hair.

It has come to my attention that there’s currently nothing less cool, and more likely to be ridiculed, than a dude sporting a ‘stache.  Why is this, America?  Yes, I’m addressing the nation on this one.  Don’t you remember a time in our past where guys with cool mustaches were seen as heroes?  Why, I remember a time not long ago when Burt Reynolds was getting laid all the time and had a ‘stache.  The closest thing to a famous guy with a mustache in today’s pop culture?  Gandalf from “Lord of The Rings.”

Mustaches used to be the epitome of masculinity.  You could preen your mustache, coif your hair into a flat-top, and stroll out on the town while women threw themselves at your un-manscaped chest.  Nowadays a dude with a mustache is more likely to be arrested for being within 50 yards of a playground then to be lauded as “all that is man.”

Hulk Hogan’s famous handlebar ‘stache has been replaced by John Cena’s clean-cut look in the WWE.  If you can’t have an amazing ‘stache in fake wrestling, then what hope is there for the rest of us?  Not only has Hogan’s look been TKO’d by today’s fashion, Alex Trebek has rendered himself ‘stachless as well.  Trebek, the host of Jeopardy!, needs to have a few new categories added to the show.  “Who”, “What”, “Where” and “Why.”  As in: Who do you think you are for depriving us of your trademark ‘stache, what were you thinking, where’s the nearest Schick razor store so we can loot it and burn it to the ground and why. . .just why???

Possibly the worst blow to the mustache movement was the invention of a little show called, “To Catch a Predator.”  This show, which is essentially a “Punk’d” for perverts reality show, seems to always catch some disgusting old dude looking to get with an internet chat-room conquest.  The catch?  He almost always has a serious case of mustache creeping across his face like a weed sprouting in a perv-patch.  These dudes usually can’t fully grow ‘staches, but routinely stick their nasty mugs up on HD TV’s around the country with patchy, blotchy attempts that send any self-respecting guy straight to the mirror with a Bick.

The ‘stache has become so synonymous with being a creepy whack-job that men who rock the facial hair are facing an entirely new discrimination: facial profiling.

In much the same way as it’s fore-running cousin “racial profiling”, facial profiling has become a legitimate problem in this country.  Men sporting mustaches are instantly categorized as either Jerry Springer fodder, cops, cradle-robbing sycophants, or Mike Ditka. These men face an uphill battle to find equal rights.

The mustache isn’t entirely dead just yet, though.  It has found refuge in the sporting world.  Baseball, long the home to some of the most ridiculous facial hair, still houses some of the most awesomely bad attempts at mustache growing.  Hockey’s tradition of growing “playoff beards” often times includes growing “playoff-almost-mustaches” and since all the un-kempt dirty players look like they walked straight off a used car lot and onto the ice, no one judges them.

In conclusion, America, we need to stop judging the guy with what appears to be 1/4 a coon-skin-cap on his upper lip.  It might not be for you, but remember this: it worked for Ron Jeremy.  So if you see someone with a ‘stache, don’t grab your children and run indoors, offer them a napkin for the food that’s undoubtedly stuck there from some meal in the past.  Don’t immediately Google the mustached neighbor to see if he’s a sex-offender.  He could be Burt Reynold’s retired stuntman from “Smoky and the Bandit.”  Maybe someday we’ll remember the legendary facial hair as a blessing rather than a curse.  But I sure as hell won’t be growing one anytime soon.

FIN

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Comments
  1. Sue Tolles says:

    being a “child of the sixty’s”….. I know a lot of guys who have had facial hair since they were able to grow it. I like it.

  2. Mike says:

    Colin Farrell sported a pretty cool stache in the “Miami Vice” movie a couple years back…

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