Tiger Woods In Need of Funds for Divorce? A Few Fundraising ideas

Posted: July 22, 2010 in Pop Culture, Sports
Tags: , , , , , , ,

Reports have been flying around recently that Tiger Woods and his Wife, Elin, are soon to be divorced.  If this is the case, and in truth who would stay with the guy who’s gotten with more dirty ass than a truck-stop toilet seat, then it would appear that Tiger will be looking at giving up a massive divorce settlement.  How massive, one might ask?  Reports put his payment to Elin at somewhere in the neighborhood of $750 Million.  With Woods staring down the platinum and gold barrel of a pay-me-you-scumbag divorce shotgun held by the mother of his two children, he may be hurting to round up the cash.  Now, don’t get me wrong, all Tiger did last year was make money.  A lot of it.  All those over-sized checks he got at golf tournaments weren’t just for show.  They needed the room for all the zeros he was getting.  So how does a man who pulls in more than the GDP of most Latin American Countries raise cash quick?  Especially when the only corporation that would still openly sponsor him is run by Larry Flynt?  Here’s a few ideas.

Hold the First Annual “Relay for Wife”

While it should properly be called, “Relay for Ex-Wife” let’s be honest, it’s just not quite as catchy.  I propose that Tiger gets out his little black book, which is probably the size of the a Merriam-Webster dictionary (no pun intended), hit up a few of his old flames and start them in a relay race around the country.  With all the women Tiger hooked up with they would only have to run about 100 meters apiece, which is possible even considering the amount of stilettos that would undoubtedly be worn.  These women, so desperate for attention that they would literally run through fire, could be given a chance to do so.  Instead of running with a torch or a baton, the women could pass the 9-Iron that Elin used to beat Tiger’s head in.  I’m not sure if the major networks would cover the event, since it would most likely be too racy for cable, but Tiger could certainly sell the T.V. rights to Showtime.  Seriously, they put on “The ‘L’ Word” and we know that wasn’t for the plotlines and scriptwriting.

He Could Sign A Contract With Extenze

We’ve all seen the obnoxious, and incredibly creepy, ads of Jimmy Johnson’s shameless ass pitching the “male-enhancement” products on T.V.  Clearly Tiger was doing something right in the sack, and while many men deplore his morals, they can’t help but be impressed with the man’s stamina.  Debbie of “Debbie Does Dallas” fame had fewer partners than Tiger.  Extenze somehow seems to be making a ton of money and with a Woods as their newest sponsor he could make a killing.  Besides, the sport of golf was built for dirty, sexual innuendo-laden jokes.  I can see it now. . .

Tiger walks out next to Jimmy Jonson, “Hey, Jimmy.  As a guy famous for my ‘long game’ I can tell you that Extenze has really upped my distance off the tee.  I may have had trouble putting in the past, but now my 2 wood has become a 5 wood.  I’m Tiger Woods and I approved this message.  Now f—ing pay me.”

Star in a New VH-1 Reality Show

With the wave of VH-1’s new reality shows featuring athletes like Terrell Owens and Chad Ochocinco, Tiger could get his own reality show.  “18 Holes of Love” would feature Tiger, traveling the country to 18 destinations where he would attempt to pick up women.  Hmmmm. . .the title for this one sounds far too “porn-y”.  (Author’s note: can we ever mention anything golf related again without thinking how dirty Tiger has made the game sound?)

Sign a Sponsorship Deal for Perkins Restaurants

Tiger, who apparently enjoyed Perkins so much that he decided to tip the waitress with a year-long-love affair, is the perfect candidate.  His lurid story of hooking up with the waitress from his neighborhood diner could turn Perkins into Hooters overnight.  Except that Perkins actually does have good food.  Tiger, doing his signature fist-pump after eating a delicious pancake, would be the perfect celebrity testimonial.  Denny’s wouldn’t stand a chance.

He Could Marry Oprah

Let’s be honest, there’s only one person that’s in the same tax-bracket as Tiger that isn’t already involved in a love-less, for-show-only marriage: Oprah.  She’s in a love-less, for-show-only “relationship”.  Tiger needs money.  Oprah’s the only one who might have more.  All he would need to do is go on her show, get her number and send her some of those “I will choke you” sext messages that he used to seduce the other strippers/porn-stars he was getting with and she’ll fall right into his lap.  The ensuing media frenzy, 20/20 interviews, and Tiger’s memoirs, which would be surreptitiously edited to “accidentally skip” the last 4 years of his life, would be in Oprah’s book club thereby insuring there massive financial success.  Sounds like a perfect match.

And finally. . .

He Could Win A Bunch of Golf Tournaments

But with the way he’s playing right now?  I’d say it’s time to start organizing the “Relay for Wife.”



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