Big 12 Storylines (Like I Honestly Care About Any Team But The Huskers)

Posted: July 19, 2010 in Sports
Tags: , , , , , , ,

With Big 12 Media days only a week away, and Husker-football-breath soon to reach my sports-in-July-stifle-me-with-crappiness-lungs, I figured that I might as well cover some of the other big story-lines that will be worth noting this fall.  I’ll do my best to keep this from turning into a piece of complete slander, but you have to understand that the bitter, unbridled negativity I bear towards the other teams in the Big 12 is somewhere between Capulet-Montague and Blood-Crip.  That being said, this is Nebraska’s last hurray in the Big 12 and it should be a season to remember one way or another.  Sometime later this week I should have up a post about the national storylines which should range from Kiffin-bashing to Pete Carroll-slamming.  At any rate, here we go. . .

Is Texas Going to Be Any Good?

The short answer?  They’re Texas.  Unfortunately they will probably be pretty good.  Colt McCoy and his Life Partner Jordan “28-year-old-senior” Shipley is gone as well.  Shipley, who it seemed played in the league for the last 13 years has finally used up his umpteenth medical redshirt and will move on to a life on the practice squads of some NFL teams.  McCoy has moved on to being the slightly-less-Jesus’d version of Tim Tebow.  But, the Longhorns did play in the BCS National Championship Game last winter and return several key offensive weapons.  Garrett Gilbert, McCoy’s replacement started slow in the game against the Alabam Crimson Tide but came on strong late in the game and nearly pulled off an unthinkable “W”.  Watch for Texas’ always intriguing game against OU on October 2nd.  After that battle for imbred supremacy, the Longhorns will bring their Bevo-lovin’ asses into the Sea of Red on October 16th.  Clearly, Nebraska and their fans aren’t too fired up about this game.  This insignificant match will probably not receive much hype.  Wait. . .

Is The Burger King On KU’s Campus Going Bankrupt Without Mark Mangino?

Mangino, once mostly famous for being fat, is now famous for. . .well being fat and a complete a-hole. Nothing like weighing 400 pounds and being a racist swine.  But, he’s departed.  Where to?  I can only answer that question with another question.  What city has the most all-you-can-eats?  But enough fat jokes.  Former Husker standout Turner Gill has taken over Mangino’s old position and will now be bringing his offensive wizardry to a school where they have only now begun to taste football success.  Last year was a step backwards, both win-wise and to the Jim Crow era in the locker room (allegedly), but with a new coach and a new outlook the Jayhawks might only lose by 35 to Nebraska.

Is Jerrod Johnson Really That Good?

Johnson, Texas A&M’s star Quarterback had a banner year in his Junior Season.  The swift-footed, strong-armed Johnson destroyed opposing defenses last year throwing for nearly 3,600 yards and having 30 TD’s to just 8 Ints.  Clearly, he’s quite the athlete.  So was Jammal Lord.  For Johnson to truly step up into the greatness that potentially lies before him, he’s going to have to win.  If last year proved anything, it’s that if Johnson doesn’t perform well, the team will almost certainly lose.  In beatdowns to K-State and Oklahoma, in which the normally explosive Aggie offense was stagnant, Johnson only completed 46.7% and 36.4% of his passes.  He’ll need to come to play in big games, and it wouldn’t hurt if the rest of his team didn’t give up 60 points either.

Will Bobby Stoops Ever Win a Big Bowl Game?

Stoops’ talent as a head coach during the regular season is undeniable.  He wins.  A lot.  But when it comes time to pit his squad against a top-tier team in a bowl game he always seems to come up short.  In his last 8 seasons Stoops has won 5 conference titles but has gone 3-5 in bowl appearances and is almost certainly worried about being shoved into the punch bowl at his High School Reunion by classmate Bo Pelini.  Stoops’ team lost last year in Lincoln and staggered to an injury-plagued 805 record.  Landry Jones became more famous for his sex-offender mustache than his abilities under center and yet, somehow, the Sooners have found themselves at or near the top of many pre-season polls.  The Sooners seem to reload every offseason and this year is no different.  They pulled in another top-notch recruiting class and will look to beat the Longhorns and meet the Big 12 North winner in the Big 12 Championship game.

Can Anymore Gabberts Commit to Nebraska, Waffle Like a Sleazy-Ass Politician and Then De-Commit?

My disdain for the entire Gabbert family is well-documented.  I enjoy the fact that they seem to either get punched in the face, have Ndamukong Suh’s rather enormous hind end crash-land onto their ankles or suffer through a losing season that culminates with a stomping by Navy.  I’m not sure if maybe Blaine’s dad will commit to a janitorial job up in Omaha’s airport, then dick around and change his mind, or if his mother will commit to stripping at The Night Before Lounge before suddenly realizing she’d work the pole at Bazooka’s in KC.  Either way, you’ve gotta love a guy that tweets with a background of him scoring on Illinois like it’s some kind of serious challenge.

Has the Impending Move to the Pac-10 Saved Dan Hawkins?

If it has. . .it shouldn’t.  Dan Hawkins, who has inexplicably remained the head coach despite displaying less aptitude for Big 12 profession than Magic Johnson did as head coach of the Lakers, is somehow still running the show out in Boulder.  I’m not sure if it’s the constant haze of reefer surrounding the campus or the altitude that makes everyone dizzy after climbing 5 steps, but Hawkins should’ve been long gone.  Now, with word that Colorado will join the Pac-10 in a move that just assures they’ll have to travel further to get their crap beat in, it seems Hawkins’ job will survive another year.  The Buffaloes don’t look like they’ll be much better than last year’s abysmal 3-9 record and so it remains to be seen if Hawkins can continue to swindle the University out of their money.

Will Anyone Out-Angry Bo Pelini?

Bo currently has a stranglehold on the grumpiest, most furious coach in the league.  With Mike Leach no longer around to call his players’ girlfriends “fat”, and Mangino’s ne0-nazi ass bussing tables at Hooters in the hoops of free meals, the field has been cut back dramatically.  However, there are still some serious contenders.  Hawkins has a great rant under his belt, and Oklahoma State coach Mike Gundy’s “I’m a man. . .I’m 40” rant is a top 3 pick.  We’ll see if either of these titans of fury can step up and wrestle the crown from off King Pelini’s head.


  1. Glenn Tolles says:

    I like this blog. I hardly ever read blogs.

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