The 2010 Hatchspys: A Completely Made Up Awards Show

Posted: July 14, 2010 in Sports
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I figure since ESPN can just make up their own award show, roll out red carpets, and get a national T.V. audience, I can hijack their idea and do my own award presentation.  So, without further ado:  I give you the 2010 Hatchspy Awards.

Worst Dressed Award:

Craig Sager. This TNT sideline reporter seems determined to challenge Lady Gaga in a fashion-off that will leave all of our eyes bleeding.  I’m not sure how, or why, we’re expected to take him seriously when he’s dressed up like a pimp from a blacksploitation film from the ’70s.  Way to go, Craig.

Best Potential Husker Nicknames For Upcoming Season:

Rex Burkhead.  P-90Rex, Old Fashion Rexican Standoff, Tex-Rex, Rext Message, DMRex, Rexican Immigration Laws.  The possibilities are endless.

Ugliest Player:

Joakim Noah.  Noah is so nasty looking that he makes me un-plug my HDMI cable so I don’t have to look at his dirty sideburns in HD.  1080p closeups of Noah make me incredibly grateful that I don’t have 3-D television.  Remember, Sony 3-D makers, be careful what you wish for.

Best Bo Pelini Rant:

“The BCS, that’s why they make that call!!!” After the Big 12 officiating crew got their Tim Donaghy on, botching the game’s final call due to fear of Bevo trampling all over their families.  Bo, however gave them a rather large piece of his mind.  In the end, we got the last laugh.  Suck it, Texas.

Most Awkward Sports Movie Moment:

“Invictus”. The slow-motion, extra close-ups of the South African rugby team rucking.  That’s not a typo, they were rucking in slow-motion and it was weird.  Low, creepy groans emanated from a beefed up Matt Damon whose voice was slowed down in the sequence so he sounded more “Bone Ultimatum” than “Borne Ultimatum.”  However, at least it wasn’t as awkward as the man-love shared on the beach in half-tees and skimpy shorts by Apollo Creed and Rocky Balboa in “Rocky III,” which is the all-time weirdest, most uncomfortable scene in sports movie history.

Biggest Perv-Job of the Year:

An Unprecedented 3-Way Tie: Ben Rapelesberger, Lawrence “Tweenage-Lovin'” Taylor, and Tiger “Wood” Woods. Roethlisberger went to some bar in a small college town and somehow couldn’t get laid based on his massive celebrity or the fact that he’s a 2-time super bowl winner.  Clearly having less game than a clergyman and less morals than a sex offender wasn’t going to stop “Big Ben.”  He had some body guard watch out while he did “something” with a girl who was under 20.  Nice play, moron.  Lawrence Taylor was caught with a 16-year-old hooker and is currently being charged with rape.  He will soon have his own spin-off show called “To Catch Me” on MSNBC.  Apparently he’s a lot better at doing cocaine and sacking QB’s than keeping it in his pants.  Which leaves Tiger.  And everyone already knows what he did.  Perv.

Worst Facial Hair as a Team:

Boston Celtics. Rasheed Wallace sported spotty sideburns and weird neck-beards that helped him look like the missing member of the Ying Yang Triplets, whom they cut to get a catchier name “The Ying Yang Twins.”  Paul Pierce apparently can’t grow back beard where his stab wounds are, but tries anyway, and KG needs a Schick Quatro like he needs another knee surgery.  They made Pau Gasol’s dirty Spaniard-beard look good in the finals.

Most Inspiring Moment:

Me. On the morning of an 11 O’Clock Husker game I gamely pounded down 5 jello shots in a paltry 1 minute.  I was still slightly hungover from the night before, but I pushed through the pain for the good of the team.  Struggling to down a “Mojito Jello Shot” I chased it down with an American beer and lead the charge to Memorial stadium.  Stay thirsty, my friends.

Best Victory Celebration Shout-Out:

Ron Artest. Ron-Ron who is crazy as shit-shit, gave a post NBA Championship game shout-out to his therapist.  And considering he/she has to work with Ron on a frequent basis?  I’d say they clearly earned the shoutout.  Ron makes blubbering lunatics seem like coherent, rational ladies and gentleman.  Somehow he held it together this season without laying down any terrible raps, although he claimed to have a single coming out soon, or climbing into the stands to punch out the wrong fat guy and so, who knows, maybe the therapist really does deserve the recognition.  Hopefully he will give the therapists’ card to Lamar Odom who will undoubtedly need it, being married to a Kardashian.

Sports Star Crush My Girlfriend Has That Makes Me Feel Completely Inadequate:

Cody Green. Damn you, Cody.  Damn you.  Other than that, I don’t really wanna talk about this one.

Biggest Sports D-Bag of the 2009-2010 Year:

Tie Between Mack Brown and The Fat, Smelly Dude I Was Stuck Sitting by at the 300th Sellout. While Mack Brown is certainly a pompous, arrogant D-Bag that epitomizes what’s wrong with the entire state of Texas, I can only say that he ties with the fat, smelly dude I was stuck by at the aforementioned Husker game.  Mack Brown struts around his overpriced, over-proud campus and the smelly guy kept inching his poop-stained drawers closer to me to attempt to discuss the game.  I hope Mack Brown’s team gets rolled by everyone this year, and I hoped the fat guy would get puked on by some drunk sorority girl.  While Mack Brown doesn’t really yell that much, since he really leaves all the coaching up to assistants, the fat smelly guy shouted out every single name from the highlights.  In shot, both these guys suck and I hope Mack Brown has to live with this guy at the retirement home some day.

Thanks for attending the 2010 Hatchspys. If any of my roughly 11 readers would like to add/comment on any of these feel free to post your take.

FIN

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