The NBAX-Files: Conspiracy Theories On Bron-Bron

Posted: July 9, 2010 in Sports
Tags: , , , ,

I’m a big fan of a good conspiracy theory.  While I don’t believe in hardly any of them, except that the entire “city” of Council Bluffs, Iowa is a government project to test the limits of human depravity, I do enjoy listening to the wild ideas of a few crackpots.  That being said, I’ve decided to throw my own wild ideas into the Miami-Cleveland jambalaya and stir it around really fast.  Here’s a few conspiracy theories on why LeBron went to Miami and why he held a one-hour special to, essentially, drop a 60 minute, extended deuce on his hometown.

Theory #1 : DeLonte West was planted in Cleveland to seduce and destroy Bron-Bron’s Mama.  Who Planted him?  Pat Riley, of Course.

Pat Riley’s rich, looks like an unholy mixture of Al Pacino and a used car salesman, and has clearly had his eye on LeBron James for a while.  Gloria West, LeBron’s mother, is a trainwreck of a woman who has only dodged tabloid headlines because LBJ was worshiped by local media.  Therefore, it only stands to reason that Pat would get his sleaze on by sending West further West as a secret, seductive(?) agent.  There’s 1242.98 miles between Cleveland and Miami and once your mom starts sleeping with this guy, you’ll want every one of them between mama and D-West.  Pat Riley paid Delonte to go out and put his dirty, tattooed hands all over Bron-Bron’s mama’s ass-ass.

Theory #2: Jim Brown wanted to secure his legacy as best athlete in Cleveland’s pro-sports history and used his terrifying scowl to scare Chris Bosh into signing with the Heat.

Cleveland’s other best known, athlete, Jim Brown is a terrifying dude.  He likes to scowl a lot and intimidate the shit out of the younger generation at every opportunity.  I doubt he missed this one.

Theory #3: Stephen A. Smith is not only highly obnoxious and a moron, but psychic.

Smith, a radio/T.V./any-medium-that-gets-him-attention personality called this one from a mile off.  Somehow, and my theory here is extra sensory perception, Smith knew that these three guys were all going to end up in Miami.  Maybe if he took two seconds away from shouting and throwing down more race cards than Jesse Jackson at the O.J. trial, he could hone his talent and let me know if NU will be Big Ten Champs in year one like I predict.

Theory #4: LeBron wants to try and patch up U.S.-Cuba relationship

LeBron may have wanted to try and help the United States and Cuba come to a mutual, more cordial relationship and what better place to attempt to wash away the really, really, bad taste of the Cuban Missile Crisis from our mouths than the closest major U.S. city to Cuba?  If Castro is legitimately still alive, and not just a dead-body-puppet being marionetted around by some unseen force, than I bet he is impressed by Bron-Bron’s dunking.

Theory #5: ESPN and LeBron wanted to wrestle the title of “guy who gives Boys and Girls clubs the most publicity” away from Denzel Washington

Denzel always jocks on the Boys and Girls clubs.  They jock him back.  ESPN and LeBron gave him a run for the money last night.  Perhaps LeBron has dreams of creating his own LeBron youth army to take over the world and is starting in the Boys and Girls’ clubs.  Now all he has to do is make a movie as incredibly badass as “Training Day.”

Theory #6: Aliens

That’s all there is to this one.  Crop circles of LeBron are coming soon.  I just know it.

Theory #7: Bill Parcells somehow orchestrated the deal

The Big Tuna not only has the most whack nickname in all of sports, apologies to Tim “The Big Fundamental” Duncan, but is some kind of managerial genius when it comes to personell moves.  Maybe he is making a play for LBJ to hit the field to supplement the meager 15 million he’ll be making this season.  LeBron as a two sport star?  I will say this: best Tight End EVER?!?

Theory #8: BP paid LeBron to take some of the media coverage away

The only thing that could stop the press from trampling each other to dance on BP’s PR grave, the only reason I got a break from the 11,000 picture of a dirty bird being cleaned up in a warehouse was that LeBron gave us something else to talk about.  Thanks, LeBron.  I’ll be forever grateful.

Theory #9: LeBron and Brett Favre are in a secret, high stakes ego-off

LeBron just took the lead.  Let’s see what happens when August gets here.  Your move, gun-slinger.  Better hitch up those wranglers and start heading to the local Boys and Girls club.

Theory #10: Potential to star alongside Will Smith and Martin Lawrence in “Bad Boys 3”

You know this movie is coming.  You know they need a better athlete to make a cameo than Dan Marino and John Salley’s getting a little played out.  Why not, King James?

Final Theory: The power of suggestion

I dare you to listen to this and not get excited about the city where “every time the ladies pass they be like ‘Hi Will'”

FIN

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