What’s the Japanese Word for Douchebag?

Posted: July 7, 2010 in Sports
Tags: , , , ,

Takeru Kobayashi Can Suck a Long Piece of Meat

I love the 4th of July.  Independence day is a time to celebrate the greatness of our amazing country by  doing things that I consider to be my area of expertise: swilling American-made beers, as we toast to 1776 or what I refer to as “the beatdown of the Brits”, singing Lee Greenwood’s greatest hits, which has one and only one song: “Proud to Be an American” at least a half-dozen times, and blowing up everything that has a fuse.  This day was brought to us by men fighting tooth and nail, whigs wearing wigs fighting alongside WASPS (not technically accurate, but History is only my minor), and a never-say-die spirit embodied by true patriots like John Rambo and John McClane.  Yes, I said McClane not McCain.  No typo there, I just love “Die Hard.”  Another of my favorite traditions on this high, holy holiday has become the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest that occurs at Coney Island every 4th of July.

This event running yearly, with the hype growing by leaps and bounds each time, has become a mainstay in my 4th of July festivities.  Dominated in the early stages of the 2000’s by Japanese eating champion Takeru Kobayashi, only recently has an American come out and shown that nobody does obesity and binge-eating quite like the good ‘ole U.S.A.  Joey Chestnut, who actually isn’t that fat, shockingly enough, has won the contest the last 4 years in a row and had defeated Kobayashi head to head for the last two titles prior to last Sunday’s victory.  Chestnut, a truly voracious eating machine that would make a Great White jealous, won the 2010 title going away with 54 Hot Dogs and Buns eaten in 10 minutes.  A true feat of. . .something, I guess.

The real story, however, was the annoyingly present presence of Kobayashi in the crowd.  Wearing a “Free Kobi” t-shirt, a  truly obnoxious self-promotion that would’ve made one of the rappers that repeatedly shouts “I got my new album droppin’ March 16th ya’ll” while being interviewed blush.  Kobayashi, in the middle of a contract dispute with the governing body of the “sport”, was barred from entering the contest but decided to show up anyway and pose like a moron in the front row of the crowd.

After trying his damndest to steal the show, and being aided in this by the constant camera attention from ESPN, Kobayashi ended up doing his best Kamikaze impression and charging the stage.  During the award ceremony, when Chestnut was being presented the coveted “mustard belt” that goes to the winner of the event, Kobayashi charged the stage to chants of “let him eat. . .let him eat.” by the pack of undoubtedly drunk dudes that crowded around the first few rows.

At this point, the contest turned more WWE than HDB (the trendy, more sporty acronym for Hot Dog and Bun used by people that think eating is a sport) and the miniscule Kobayashi wrestled with security and tried to fight his way onstage.  He may be able to eat like a 450 pound behemoth but Kobayashi is literally as large as a pre-pubescent boy.  Needless to say, he put up a pansy-assed fight and was hauled off and arrested.  I only hope that he was in lockup long enough to have a 300 pound gang-banger come up to him and say, “so you’re the guy that’s really good at eating meat, right?”

I understand that for me to rail on about classiness at an event where people shovel down more calories than a blazed up Michael Phelps, and slop buns into water before swallowing them after two bites, is a bit ridiculous.  However, I now despise Kobayashi.  Much like the arch-villain in he shares a name with in “The Usual Suspects,” he has pulled a fast one on us all and revealed his terrible ways for an instant.  He has filled the “heel” role for a sport that usually doesn’t get enough TV time to have good guys and bad guys.

His grandstanding stood out at an event where literally everyone is supposed to grandstand.  He acted like a guy who had won the last 4 years, not gotten beaten like a boxer with no arms.  Chestnut has established dominance.  He’s the guy that pounded through 68 hot dogs in ’09 and by-passed Kobayashi as the guy to beat for the next few years.  Like a jealous school-girl watching her rival get a Valentine from “the cute boy” in class, Kobayashi was pouting and couldn’t take it.  Chestnut said it best, somehow managing to move his mouth after pounding down 5.4 hot dogs and buns per minute, “If he was a real man, he would’ve been on stage today.”

This being said, I can’t wait for next year.  Kobayashi, a few misdemeanors richer, will have a show-down against an angry, fired up Chestnut who will be on top of his game.  Suddenly the US will be locked in a Battle of Midway style combat against the Japanese once more on a day when all things American are touted.  Next year we will have an official villain and clear-cut good guy.  Stone Cold Steve Austin will be played by a tiny, Asian man who might have his hair dyed a ridiculous color, and The Rock will be played by a human woodchipper from San Jose.  So pull up a chair, grab a bib and some ketchup, and get the chants ready.  “USA. . .USA. . .USA.”

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Comments
  1. Ben Kathol says:

    Joey Chestnut says, “know youor damn role jabroni.”

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