A Few Math Equations For LeBron (My C- In College Algebra Qualifies Me to do This)

Posted: July 3, 2010 in Sports
Tags: , , , , , ,

With my, recently-paroled-from-academic-probation math skills, and a love of number-crunching that some would say doesn’t exist I have developed a few equations for each of LeBron’s suitors.  Hopefully he takes these to heart when making the decision of his life.  And, even more hopefully, he pays me for my unsolicited advice and mathematical skill.  Get out your calculators, your #2 pencils or your abacus and see if you can figure out which team is the best fit.

New York Knicks = (More Money Than Oprah) + (Kicking it with Jay-Z in his 40/40 clubs nightly) + (Name Drops in More 50 Cent Songs) + (Your own documentary directed and filmed by Spike FREAKIN’ Lee) + (Playing in Madison Square Garden) (David Lee as your 2nd best player, if he stays in NY) (Whoopi Goldberg’s annoying ass courtside shouting at you) (A ruthless media that will make your mama look even dumber than she already does)

Miami Heat = (Pat Riley) + (Dwyane Wade) + (Maybe Chris Bosh) + (Beaches) + (You can reference “Scarface” a whole lot more) + (Illegally imported Cuban cigars) + (Will Smith’s awesome theme song) + (Thongs on women are totally acceptable) (Thongs on dudes are way too acceptable) (Becoming more hated than Art Modell in Cleveland) (Having to figure out how where to put the “y” in D-Wade’s first name on Christmas cards) (Shark Attacks)

Chicago Bulls = (Having Derrick Rose maybe pass you the ball) + (Having Obama pull for you) + (The rabid fans) + (Helping a city deal with the pain of bring the home of the Cubs) + (Being maybe the only human athletic enough to catch a Jay Cutler pass) + (Potentially becoming boys with Jeremy Piven) + (No longer having to look at Verajao’s “High School Musical 3” hairdo) (Trading in Varejao’s dirtiness for Noah’s, which is far worse) (Winter weather similar to Cleveland’s) (No other max-contract players) (Playing for a guy that was an assistant last year)

Cleveland Cavaliers = (Undying loyalty of entire state of Ohio) + (Playing with a group of dudes you already know) + (Dealing with a moron who has given himself the nickname “The Big Aristotle” when he can barely read) + (Being able to dance your ass off with Danny Green) + (They fired, and will fire, anyone you don’t like) + (The Browns will never, I repeat NEVER, be any good, so you’ve got no other sporting competitions) (You have relatively the same dudes that seem to be unable to perform in the clutch) (Your best big man comes from a country where soccer is the biggest sport) (Have I mentioned the team plays in Cleveland?) (Delonte West will conyinue pimpin’ your mother)

New Jersey Nets = (Billionaire Russian owner with pockets deeper than an ocean trench) + (Avery Johnson’s actually a good coach) + (Also kickin’ it with Jay-Z who’s a part-owner) + (Moving the team to Brooklyn in 2 years) (It’s not really a good time to be affiliated with Russians in any way, right now.) (The team had a worse record than even the Wizards) (The fact that the team owner might be a real-life version of a Bond villain) (The fact that you’d potentially be in the same area code as “The Situation.”) (Have you ever seen New Jersey?)

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